A problem with boundaries
The Ex Files
The other night my daughter was talking to her dad on a speakerphone in her bedroom. I could hear his voice, but I couldn't really hear what he was saying and I didn't much want to.
I was doing the laundry so I knocked on her door to ask whether she had any clothes that needed washing. She screamed at me, "Don't come in!"
Then, I heard my EX say, "Her name is Diane, and she's a property manager in the Valley."
My daughter said, "Wait dad." And he said "What's going on?" And she said, "Mom just knocked on the door." And he responded in a frantic voice, "What? Is she listening to this!!"
She told me later that he's been telling her all about his dates on E-Harmony. And here's why I'm pissed...
There is no reason why he should be telling his daughter about his dating escapades. She's HIS DAUGHTER -- not his partner, cheerleader or confidant. It's like he's looking for support and validation from her and that's not her job.
In an email I sent him today, I asked, "Are you trying to reassure her that women are attracted to you? Or are you trying to reassure yourself?" I asked him to shield our daughter from his dating experiences until he meets someone he really cares about and wants to involve in her life.
It just made me realize how ill equipped he is to raise our daughter. He has no boundaries with her, and as a result, I'm always having to lower the boom on her, because he won't. And she keeps pushing the envelope with me.
I would never tell her about my dates. It just sets up expectations that may not be met. And it breeds a kind of familiarity that should not exist between a parent and child. A friend of hers came over one night and told us how her mother keeps asking her for reassurance about the guy she's dating. Her mother actually asks, "Do you think my boyfriend loves me?" When my daughter's friend told us about that, she sounded bewildered, confused and like she didn't respect her mom very much. And that's the risk you take when you start treating your kid like your buddy. I find the whole thing creepy and inappropriate. I doubt I'm going to get a response. I just wish he would grow the Fuck up.
