Guilt Trip

\Why do I feel so guilty lately? I just can’t figure it out. I have NO reason to feel guilty. Lately I have just been feeling super guilty about wanting to leave. I know it’s the right thing to do for him and for me. Especially for me of course, but lately I been thinking for him too. I mean the two of us are just not meant to be together and I know that. I know I will be happier with someone else. I think at another time and another person he will be happier and treat her better also.

Even knowing all this I can help but feel guilty at least some of the time. On his bad days I have absoutley no guilt. He could come to me on his hands and knees and I could care less. But on his good days a little guilt creeps up and grabs me. For instance, this past weekend we both had separate plans. This works best for us, because the less we see each other the better we get along. In fact if only saw each other say once a week I would probably have no problem staying married to him. Anyway, I was leaving Friday night and spending the whole weekend at a friend’s. He had a friend coming to our house for the weekend. Therefore we were both happy. You would think I could care less if he was happy or not but the fact is when he is happy my life is simply easier, so yes I like to see him happy. 

So, I get all dressed up to go out my friends and I are going out to dinner and then dancing. These are two of my very favorite things, eating and shaking my ass all night. Right when my friend’s car pulls my outside to pick me up he gets a phone call. His friend can’t make it, he has a family emergency. So then Prince Charming sits on the bed looking sad and says, “I guess I will just be home alone, but you have fun.”

This made me feel terrible. I was about one second away from saying, “Would you like to come with us?” I decided against it and left. Although I felt bad I didn’t feel bad enough to listen to constant bitching and complaining all night. I was looking to have fun. I had a great night but even still ever once in a while I pictured him there sitting alone with the TV and felt guilty. This is not the only time I have felt this way. Lately I have been feeling really guilty about wanting out. Feeling bad about wanting to leave.