It Stings

One of the reasons I stayed married to my ex for far too long was because I knew I would lose a good deal of access to our son.  Unfortunately, I agreed to a joint custody arrangement. I have our son a little over half of the time. My ex made it clear he would fight me in court over custody, forcing me to spend thousands and thousands of dollars that I didn't have.

He didn't care what he had to spend. Ten thousand in legal debt? No problem. I didn't have the luxury of taking on such debt. I had to take out a loan against my 401k to pay my retainer to the lawyer and I was barely able to make my car payment and pay rent when I first moved out into my termite-ridden apartment.

So I agreed to his terms.  Three years later, these terms still suck. Well, they suck for me. Now, the ex actually spends time with our son, something he rarely did for the first ten years of his life. Our son actually has a relationship with his dad, which is great. But sometimes, I feel like standing on the street corner, howling, "What about ME!!!?!??"

I know I shouldn't be so selfish. I should be happy that our son has adjusted well and has a good relationship with both parents. But here we are, three years later, and it still stings when I miss out on things with my son.

For the first 10 plus years of his life, I was there for just about everything. We spent every evening and weekend together. Sure, I could have used a break every now and then, but I didn't need a break like this! I don't think my ex can understand how much I miss our son when he's not around because he was used to having very long stretches away from him. You think I'd have gotten used to it by now, but I haven't.

Maybe I was just upset because my son's going to be away with his dad for over a week and I won't see him. Maybe I was particularly emotional because things are crazy at work and I haven't been feeling great lately. But I just can't seem to shake the sadness I feel about missing out on so much of my son's life.