Leapin' Lizards
The World According To Kiki & J-Fed
<i>Daughter's ankle hurts. She's not going.</i>
Kiki: Daughter's ankle was fine this morning. If her ankle hurts so much, take her to the doctors.</i>
<i>She's in my care and I don't feel she needs to see the doctor.</i>
And how could I possibly argue with his assessment? I had temporarily forgotten that J-Fed had orthopedic training.
Of course, we were both well aware that there was nothing wrong with daughter's ankle. The only difference was one of his cared and one of us didn't. That's because I was the sucker forking out $150 a month for dance lessons. In the end, J-Fed did force daughter to go, but not before spending $140 on a lizard and a brand spanking new habitat for his four-legged friend.
Knowing J-Fed the way I do, it shouldn't have come as a surprise when he asked me if "Lizzy" could come stay at my place. Obviously, he must have missed the blazing "NO VACANCY" sign in front of my house. Besides, I had enough trouble keeping the one fish in daughter's room alive. Judging by the other four that are no longer with us, I hadn’t been doing such a hot job.
I temporarily forgot about the great lizard debacle until J-Fed informed me that "Lizzy" was getting a roommate. But the madness didn't stop there. One week later, daughter was the proud owner of a bearded dragon. That made for not one, not two, but three lizards. Of course, two of the lizards weren't compatible so J-Fed had to set up a SECOND lizard sanctuary. In my humble opinion, it appeared that someone had watched one too many Geico commercials.
It didn't dawn on me that J-Fed's lizard love affair could have more serious effects until after he'd grown comfortable with his new compadres. One thing he'd overlooked during his scaly shopping spree was a little thing called Salmonella, a disease that was spread by these creatures that naturally shit where they eat, much like someone else I know.
The problem was this -- these lizards had taken up residence in daughters' room, and by daughters, that meant not only our seven-year-old, but our two-year-old as well. Oh and did I mention that old people, small children and the immuno-compromised were most at risk for this deadly disease? Of course, brain dead exes didn't fall into the danger zone.
