Thirsty Demons

My demons always come out at night. During most of the day I pass the time away completing my mundane chores and living up to everyone’s expectations. Then the night comes. I hate the night. My boyfriend falls asleep watching TV sometime around 10:00 and I am left alone. I can’t stand being alone.

Thoughts flit through my head unbidden. Guilt attacks. All the choices I’ve made that I’m less than proud of come flooding back. Even the choices I made for survival sake don’t seem like the right choices. I look back at the path I’ve walked down and question every turn I took.

Deep down, I’ve never been comfortable with me. I had always hoped that this was something I would outgrow, but I haven’t outgrown it yet. If there is one person on this earth I cannot stand it is myself.  I just want a break from my own head. I used to turn to alcohol to get away from me. When I drank I could escape all those nagging little memories for just a little while. Unfortunately, when I drank I created a whole mess of new memories to be ashamed of. I miss drinking. I’m terrified of having another drink.

Excitement and I are both recovering alcoholics. We quit the AA scene.  We stopped counting the months. Somehow focusing on our addiction just made us fall back into it time and time again. Nights like this, I wish we were still going. I could really use another alcoholic to talk to.

I crept out into the living room and watched Excitement sleep, my face soaked with tears, stifling back sobs. At last, he rolled over and looked at me through sleep blurred eyes.

“Hey, come lay your head down beside me.” He urged.

I put my head down next to his and he began to hum, a sure sign he was falling right back to sleep.