The Marriage Vows Makeover

Weddings make me uncomfortable.  They’re a gooey, gaudy, sappy tradition.  And what’s with all the virginal pretense of wearing white?  The whole ceremony seems like a sham, especially since nowadays one out of every two marriages ends in divorce. How can anyone promise “Till death do us part” with a straight face?

So I’m suggesting we exchange the traditional vows for a more realistic version that won’t strain your credulity (and you know how painful that can be.)

Dearly Beloved, we are gathered here today to join this insecure man and this neurotic woman in holy matrimony - an honorable state that is not to be entered into unadvisedly or lightly – but usually is. Odds are good they won’t even last 8 years.  They think they love each other a whole bunch right now, but wait until he mouths off to his boss and loses his job.  Wait until she keeps inhaling the junk food and gains 20 pounds.  And just wait until they have a kid with colic or attention deficit.

But for the time being, blinded by pheromones and hormones, these two people now come before us. She’s thrilled she finally snagged a guy before it became too embarrassing.  And he’s grateful just to get laid on a semi-regular basis. If any person can show just cause why they may not be joined together - like infidelity, bigamy or bestiality – let them speak now so we can all watch.

Because my friends, marriage is the perfect union of husband, wife and federally insured bank accounts.   It is intended for their mutual joy (wink, wink, nudge, nudge) but more importantly – marriage is a means through which a stable and loving environment may be attained. But just cause you attain it, don’t mean you can sustain it.  Not when there are mortgage payments, private schools and orthodontists to be paid.  Not when her sex drive dwindles to zilch and his face is glued to Internet porn.