10 Dumbest Things To Say In Bed
Do I Need To Slap You?
You can’t pick up a magazine without reading all the things you’re supposed to be doing in bed. What to wear, how to touch, what position, where to hang the trapeze…you know all that stuff. So much for the “do’s” - but what about the “don’ts?”
There’s nothing that can kill a passionate mood quite like the wrong words. It’s amazing the damage you can do with a few choice syllables. Some of us like to talk dirty, but that’s a lot different than talking stupid. To help you avoid these verbal minefields, I’d like to present my list of the 10 dumbest things to say in the sack.
1. Lovemaking is supposed to be a very intimate activity. Many won’t consider doing it unless they’re married to their bedmate (or at least firmly committed). At a minimum we like the pretence of exclusivity – this is a special moment with a special person. So it’s really a bummer if you have to ask (and even worse to hear), “What was your name again?”
2. Modern medicine now makes many communicable diseases no more than minor annoyances – but doesn’t mean you’re interested in catching them. It’s a touchy subject, but one that really needs to be uncovered before you are. Under the sheets is NOT the time to attempt to reassure your partner with the words, “Don’t worry. It’s not contagious.”
3. Making love can be enhanced with a bit of adventurous exploration, but it’s not a competition. No one wants to be compared to anyone else, or feel like she has certain hurdles to meet. At absolutely no point do you want to put pressure on your partner to try something she’s simply not into. And gentleman, you’re not going to make her feel more like trying if you say, “All the other girls like this.”
4. When I was in sixth grade, part of the fun of holding hands with my boyfriend on school field trips was trying to do it without getting caught. I’m afraid that excitement still holds for grown-ups as well – particularly those involved in (ahem) extra-curricular activities. I’m not going to be the one to judge, but I will say this. Ladies, your paramour is probably uninterested in meeting your spouse with his pants down. You might need to re-think your plans if the pre-amorous instructions include, “So if my husband comes home…”
5. It’s a shame we humans don’t naturally exude the fragrance of freshly-baked bread. But we don’t. Which isn’t to say there are no food items we are able to mimic in certain occasions. The problem is, they’re not often appetizing. Yet appetizing is what we aspire to be, particularly when we’re naked. A very sensual way to ensure that is with soap and water, mutually applied. How much more delightful then, is the suggestion, “Let’s take a shower” rather than the inappropriately timed question, “What’s that smell?”
6. Spontaneity often makes lovemaking seem more exciting. I mean, after all, that’s the way it happens in the movies, right? Unfortunately, reality has a nasty way of intervening, and nothing says “real” like having a baby. Most of the time, amorous couplings do not have making babies as their primary goal. Which is why you need to plan ahead just a teensy bit, and not put yourself in the awkward position of saying, “I’m pretty sure I took my pill today.”
7. At the risk of showing my age, I’d like to quote one of my favorite love grooves of the 80’s, “Slow Hand” by the Pointer Sisters. Gals, I think the lyrics of this ditty speak for us when they say:
“I want a man with a slow hand
I want a lover with an easy touch
I want somebody who will spend some time
Not come and go in a heated rush
I want somebody who will understand
When it comes to love, I want a slow hand.”
Sigh. So true. Which is why gentlemen, you must never say, “Can you hurry up?”
8. When we’re between the percales with our love objects, we want to feel we’re not simply the most important thing in the world, but the ONLY thing in the world. Nothing else could possibly be more pressing, more critical than the passion we are about to create between us. Nothing. So don’t even THINK about saying, “Wait! I forgot to program the TiVo!”
9. But similarly gals, in the midst of the act itself is generally not the best place to communicate your boredom or your displeasure with his technique. I’m all about open and honest communication, but that means clearly and candidly expressing your needs. I honestly don’t think you’ll get the results you’re looking for if what you say is, “Gee, the ceiling really needs painting.”
10. And finally. Ladies, unless you’re trying to make a very nasty point, and/or eliminate forever your chances of finding yourself in the same situation with this same man, you must by all means avoid saying the dumbest thing of all: the three little words that mean small. “Is it in?”
Any little things bothering you? Send me an email. And if you want to read a few more choice tidbits, check out my book, “Do I Need To Slap You?”
