I found the man of my dreams in the frozen food aisle. First impressions last a lifetime, and I’m sure this one would be no different. He was tall and well-dressed. Clothes ironed. Hair in place. The reflection of frozen tacos in his eyes. When it came to physique, he earned a perfect 10. As he reached into the freezer, we made eye contact.
I smiled and he returned the gesture with a nod. I felt butterflies flapping around in my stomach. He was too cute for words. He had an air of confidence that told me everything I needed to know – this was a man who’d be able to mow the lawn one handed while closing deals on his Blackberry. He was a man after my own heart.
As I searched for nothing in particular on the other side of the aisle, I kept him in plain sight. The top of his cart was filled with countless bottles of Gatorade. He reached into the freezer and pulled out four frozen pizzas, and I saw my opportunity. It wasn’t like he was stocking his fridge with DiGiorno’s. Oh no, he was going low-grade, like the kind of pizza they sell in the prison commissary. Poor dear. It was obvious he didn’t have a woman to make him a home-cooked meal. How was he ever going to have the energy to do the lawn with an appetite that consisted of cardboard pizza and sugar-laden beverages? It was obvious he needed an intervention of sorts.
Well today was his lucky day, as I was a gourmet cook, looking for someone for whom I could prepare a nice, warm meal, someone who would appreciate my abilities. It had been almost four months since J-Fed moved out and it was time to move on. My kitchen table had been empty far too long.
With nothing to lose, I pushed my cart over his way. Isn’t this how all fairytale romances begin? A chance encounter. One person makes an advance. Without another thought, I reached into his cart and removed the frozen pizzas. He was obviously taken aback.
“Why do you want to eat something like this when you can enjoy homemade shrimp curry served over jasmine rice and complimented by a nice spinach salad tossed in a lime and tarragon dressing?” I said slyly. This was the ultimate test – I would stand or fall.
“Your place or mine?” he replied without skipping a beat. I grinned wildly, took a pen out of my purse and wrote down my number and my address. He extended his hand, retrieved the paper and put the pizzas back in the freezer. “They’re not really good for you anyway, all that sodium you know?”
“How’s does 7 sound?” I said in another bold move.
“Red or white?” he asked.
“Surprise me,” I said as I began pushing my cart down the aisle. I turned around and flashed him a wicked smile before moving on. He stood there for a moment still taking in what had just happened. I wanted to jump and down but I maintained my composure.
“Mama, mama. This isn’t where the Lunchables are. Mommyyyyyyyyyy. The Lunchables are in the other aisle. What are we doing here? Mama, what are you looking at? You say you’re not supposed to stare,” Daughter, 5, snapped me out of my daydream and back to reality as I stared at the dashing dude pulling the frozen pizzas out of the freezer. Yeah, he had offered me a smile and we locked eyes, but that’s as far as it went as I struggled to push the baby’s stroller and the shopping cart down in the aisle at the same time.
Out here on my own, I might have had a shot. But in reality, there wasn’t a chance in hell. I could be walking through the store in a g-string with pasties on my boobs and more than likely the hottie would only be distracted by the screams of my 5-year-old and the image of me trying to clumsily maneuver past the old lady in the motorized cart, which I was failing at miserably.
My mother Kuku strolled up and quickly realized the only thing I was staking out in the frozen food section was the prime rib, that being Mr. Hot Stuff himself. She nodded with approval. I expected her to nudge me in his direction. But oh no, she simply offered her condolences. If this guy was ready to settle down, it had all gone to pot in the 30 seconds he witnessed my unrefined mothering skills, providing him with a glimpse of his future. It took a strong man to be able to stomach that one.
As we moved through the aisles and watched the man of my dreams disappear into the sunset – alone – she gave me her take on things.
“He’s gonna have to be deaf and dumb to jump into this 3-ring circus,” she giggled.
“And that would make him different from the last one how?” I said referring to J-Fed.
We laughed some more and filled the shopping cart with Cheetos, Cokes and other goodies so I could drown my sorrows in the knowledge that I had a boatload of baggage, and it might be a very long time before I’d find the man who was going to mow my lawn, close business deals and fall madly in love with my two girls and I. Not that I’d trade what I had for anything, I still tried to look on the brighter side of things.
At least I had a lawn service, and there’s no doubt it my mind that they’d be there for me… through thick and thin.