Backrub or blowjob?

It’s universal, isn’t it? I mean, tell me if I’m wrong about this. All women ever want from our men is a backrub, and all they ever want from us is a blowjob.

Yes, there are times when I do want a good “seeing to,” but nine times out of ten, after a long day and a glass or two of wine, what I really REALLY want is strong, warm hands on my back, massaging out the tensions of the day.

On the other hand, I’ve never met/dated/married/shacked up with a man, who after a long day and a glass or two of wine, DID NOT want lips wrapped around his peeper.

It’s just pleasure right? They’re both halves of the same coin, right? The thing is, I will admit I still have trouble seeing it that way. I mean, I’m sure the men will say,  “hey I gave you a really nice backrub, so it’s only fair you return the favor.”

But you could still watch tv while you gave me the backrub. And even continue drinking beer (if you didn’t put the cold beer hand immediately on my back).

A BJ is different. Maybe because it seems submissive ( particularly if it involves kneeling - although I know some women who feel it gives them a sense of power and control). Maybe because it’s “down there” which means you have to deal with the issue of hygiene (or lack thereof – eeeuuw). Maybe because it’s overtly sexual, whereas a backrub can be seen as “therapeutic.” You can rub your honey’s neck while you’re waiting to board a plane, but you’d cause a bit of a stir if you went down on him at gate 5.

But frankly, these are just artificial characterizations our society has “decided” to assign, and I’m just playing them back in my head. In the privacy of one’s own home, none of this matters. It’s all part of the pleasure we give each other in the context of our relationship.

The problem is, we do have a tendency to assign value to specific actions, which become like currency we trade in our relationships. For example, “making dinner” implies certain effort and has a value different than “setting the table.” Depending on our like or dislike of certain tasks, the value may increase or diminish. I kind of hate vacuuming, but don’t mind cleaning the bathrooms, so my sweetie wields the Hoover and I’m the Softscrub specialist.

Is it only women who do this? I think some men do keep track as well. “I did such-and-such for you, so now you must do this-and-that for me.” But it’s really quite petty, isn’t it?

As partners we need to be caring and considerate and do our best to give each other what we both desire most. Do I care that my honey likes his fried eggs runny and I like mine firm? No, it’s just personal preference. So I make ‘em like he wants ‘em. There’s no emotional analysis as to why we want our eggs differently.

So it should be in the bedroom too. So what if men and women are wired differently. I could care less about seeing him in sexy underwear. I don’t need to have the lights on. I like to have some nice music on – and I suppose he does too. He just wants it played on the skin flute.

Having said that, for me a back rub is not a sexually exciting experience. It may lead to sex, but it’s something different. Perhaps (after all these years) I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that men and women are wired differently. What we crave most of all is tenderness – and all too often, we try to get it from someone who doesn’t have a clue either a. how to provide it or b. why it’s desirable.

At least these days, I’m a lot better at asking.

Need help asking for something? Send me an email. And for more pithy advice, check out my book, “Do I Need To Slap You?”