Counseled In Humiliation

“That’s it, I’m done.” 

Then he walked out of the counselor’s office.  The counselor and I just sat there in silence for a few minutes trying to absorb what had just happened.  Mr. Hyde, who claimed to be ready to work on things and go to counseling, didn’t like what the counselor had to say so he stood up and walked out.  The counselor turned to me and said “I thought I was pretty clear…” 

He didn’t apologize for anything he’d said nor did he have any reason to -- Mr. Hyde had just decided that he’d heard enough.

What horrible thing did the counselor say before Mr. Hyde left?  He’d made the mistake of saying that Mr. Hyde should do what I say when I ask for help.  Unable to give up his control, Mr. Hyde not only refused, but put his coat on and abruptly walked out, leaving me feeling embarrassed and like I needed to make excuses for his behavior.

We were talking about better ways to communicate with each other.  The counselor asked me what Mr. Hyde could say so that I would listen, respond and not immediately feel attacked.  I suggested him asking “How can I help?” 

Mr. Hyde immediately argued saying “what if I ask that question and she tells me to do something I don’t want to?”  The counselor replied that if what I asked wasn’t harmful to me, to him or to someone else, to just do as I asked.  Mr. Hyde was appalled… “even if I disagree with it or I don’t want to do it?”  The counselor said yes. 

He continued arguing, the point trying to bring up every whacked out, unreasonable possible thing I could ask.  I pointed out that I would never ASK him for anything other than for him to listen, hold me or maybe occasionally pick up something from the store, but he wouldn’t accept that.  “But what if she DOES ask for something I don’t want to do or I disagree with?”  He just could not accept putting my needs before his own.