Cry, Cry, Cry

I miss Bubba. I have to pass through his room to get to the bathroom. Tiny wooden trains lay abandoned in a pile next to his train table.  Clothing is strewn across the floor. His covers are tossed back. The pillow case has been torn off his pillow and is probably abandoned in the space between his headboard and the wall. His bank lays in two pieces the floor. He opened it to count his money and then hid the coins in a shoe box beneath his bed. He’s saving to buy a Leapster game. He only has $8 to go. His tooth brush is lying on the counter, his hairbrush on floor next to his sink. I don’t have the heart to put anything away. It looks like he’s still here and I want it to stay that way until he comes back.

I knew I was going to miss him when he went to his father’s house. I knew that after having him for a full month all to myself that letting him go again was going to hurt. I was so proud of myself for holding it together when I dropped him off at daycare. I just gave him one hug and one kiss and one goodbye and then I walked out the door. I didn’t even cry on the drive home. I got out of the car and walked upstairs before I let it all out.

I’ve been crying ever since. He’s been gone for two days and I’ve been crying every time I walk through his room, every time I look at his pictures hanging all over the walls, every time I open the fridge and see his snacks. I cry every time I see his little empty rocking chair. I cry every time I flip past a kid’s show on TV. I cry every time I see anything that reminds me of him and everything reminds me of him.

I know a big part of it is hormones. With only four weeks left in the pregnancy I’m a hormonal wreck. But I also know a big part of it is that I miss my little boy.

I call him every night at 7:00. He picks up the phone quickly and he sounds so happy. His voice squeaks from excitement. He told me today that he’d been trying to call me all day. My phone never rang once. Does that mean he asked to call and his father said no? He quickly recited the highlights of his day then asked to speak to Excitement. The two of them talked about Speed Racer and stickers in conspiratorial tones, then it was time to say goodbye. I promised to call him again tomorrow. “Okay. I’ll wait for you to call. I love you Mommy.” He said. I never heard any words more beautiful.

8 more days and then he’ll be home again. I’ll try not to cry.