Just recently I discovered that one of my childhood friends is a hypnotherapist. One click on his
website and I quickly determined that my pal of days long gone could actually be my ticket to happiness. Now, it wasn’t just because he had turned into a very handsome gentleman. I was in search of help; the fact that he was a hypnotherpist/hunk was just a coincidence.
I mean, I had tried everything to get J-Fed in line. From bitching to bribery, there was no technique I hadn’t experimented with. But nothing, and I mean, nothing seemed to work. J-Fed continued to go about on his merry way as my repeated requests for assistance fell upon deaf ears. Will you take out the trash J-Fed?
It depends on how I feel later… J-Fed, I think the dog has to go to the bathroom…
I let him out yesterday. He’ll be fine…
So when I stumbled upon this amazing one-stop shop for sanity my cold black heart skipped a beat. Smoking… Drinking… Toxic Relationships… Procrastination… Rapid Decision Making… Snoring… Road Rage… Memory… Spending… I had found my own personal gold mine. I was going to change J-Fed damnit, and I was going to use hypnotherapy to do it.
Now, there were CD’s and MP3’s to choose from, but I wanted instant gratification. I mean I had a laundry list of pet peeves, and it appeared there was something for every one of them. But before I invested in the CD’s, I wondered if I could take matters into my own hands. I decided to put hypnotherapy to the test. I hadn’t done any research, but I’d seen enough movies to get the gist of it.
You are getting very sleepy…
At first, I thought about cutting up an Ambien and dropping it in his food. Of course, I knew what would quickly get J-Fed sleepy.
“J-Fed, do you think you could give the kids a bath?”
“I would but I’m getting very sleepy…” he told me, his big blue eyes fluttering shut. Out like a light he went. It was amazing what the threat of a little work could do to J-Fed. I stood over him trying to get him to stir, yet nothing could interrupt his sudden cat nap. I pulled a few of the hairs on his legs, but he didn’t even flinch. All these nights I thought he was at the local bar, he must have really been taking lessons from the possum living on the side of our house.
“J-Fed, I want you to listen very carefully to me. When you wake up, you’re going to be a new man. You’re going to follow my every command. Think of yourself as a man, a man whose main goal in life is to please me. When I say jump, you say how high. When I say give me money, you say how much. When I say I need you to do something, you say no problem. From this day forward, you will think of yourself as my bitch.
“When you wake up, you’re not going to remember that this has taken place, but you will know what you have to do.”
I snapped my fingers but nada. As he continued to doze, I took it upon myself to pinch his nipple as hard as I possibly could. Suddenly, his eyes were as big as saucers, and he was looking at me as if I were going to do something crazy to him. I don’t know what would ever give him that idea.
“Did you give the kids their baths already?” he asked.
“Um, no. I’d really appreciate it if you would do it. I’m tired and I still need to cook dinner. And unless you’d like me to serve up a heartburn surprise, I suggest you get to washing,” I warned him.
J-Fed turned up his lip as if he’d just bit into a giant crap sandwich. He threw the remote to the side, lifted his lazy ass out of the chair and went in to tend to the children. I grinned wickedly. My plan had worked, well somewhat.
While the kids were getting scrubbed down, J-Fed peeked his head out the door and smirked.
“By the way Kiki. There’s only one bitch in this house, and we both know who that is.”
Damnit, burned by J-Fed once again. It was obvious a hypnotherapist wasn’t going to cut it. But a hit man damn sure would.