Exogenous Zones

Did the time-change do anything weird to you? I dunno. When it gets dark earlier, I get cranky earlier. And I hate hate hate getting up in the morning when it’s dark. That makes me cranky too.

But I was thinking the other day how my mood can be controlled by outside factors – things that maybe don’t even have anything to do with me personally, but still set me off. Exogenous factors.

Like, my day could be going fine, I’m getting my work done, the number on my bathroom scale was acceptable, and then I’m out running errands and somebody makes a stupid move in the parking lot. And now I’m pissed.

It’s so stupid. Generally the outside factors, the “exogenous” factors are really small. Of course, four or five of them all in one go can become something big, but they really are small individually, and of course the correct thing is to simply blow them off and get back to business at hand.

Which for me, is often worrying about the future. It doesn’t matter what it is – it’s just worrying about something that is going to occur in the future. Will I get my work done on time? Will I be able to fulfill my commitments? What if whatever is causing the stain on my ceiling involves expensive repairs? And that crap can put me in a mood too – but I actually think it’s even dumber than the other stuff.

Because at least the other stuff is happening this moment. In the present. With the future stuff, I’m worrying about things that haven’t occurred or may never occur. And with every minute I’m worrying about the future, I’m WASTING a minute of my present.

My present is guaranteed. It is here. But the future? Who the heck knows? Sure it makes sense to PLAN for it, but not to worry about it.

I’ve been so irritated at myself for squandering precious “now” minutes because I’m worrying about minutes I may never get!

The older I get, the more conscious I am of time. In a way, it has made me more impatient, because I don’t want to waste time on things or people. If I’m going to an appointment, I make sure I bring some reading material, because at least if I have to wait, I can make the time productive. Sitting around doing nothing is a waste of time I could be doing something useful. Like worrying! Not.

But I am more aware of having too many things I want to do and not enough time. Call them “hobbies” or whatever (I guess because I get paid little or nothing to do them – is that the definition of a hobby? Gee, then I guess I don’t actually work at all) but there are so many things I’d like to spend time doing! Reading! Yoga! Belly dance! Cooking! More reading! Making jewelery! Scuba diving! And I find myself not even enjoying them because either a. I feel guilty because I should be working or b. I’m worrying about the future.

Okay, another yoga anecdote. So I took this class in LA a few weeks ago, and during “final relaxation” the teacher said, “Be aware of where your thoughts wander as you’re lying here. Do they wander to the past, or to the future? If they wander to the past, your body is “stuck” and you need to get it unstuck to move forward. If your thoughts wander to the future, your body is on edge, in a constant state of readiness, and you need to let that go and relax.” Of course the goal is to be “in the moment.”

Dang! She was so right. No wonder I’m wound up and can’t sleep! I’m poised on the starting line all the time, waiting for the gun to go off! I’m always wandering into the future. Ok, so there’s good in that too. I plan ahead, and anticipate and dream.

But the bad news is, I’m allowing these unknown – and unknowable – factors to affect my mood and my productivity. They’re not even exogenous things – they’re like “extra-ogenous.” Maxogenous maybe.

It’s just stupid. And I’m going to stop worrying about the future.

Some time in the future.