Flaming Red Flags

It’s a good thing fires produce smoke, so we have some sort of early warning system of impending danger, don’t you think? Smoke tells you there’s fire, which means you need to get out of the way, and sooner rather than later, I might add. Because fire isn’t just hot – why, it can burn you, can’t it. And even scar you for life. And destroy everything you hold dear.  I don’t think I need to hammer this home any further, do I? It’s frigging obvious, isn’t it?

But not when it comes to marriages, apparently.

Warning signs in relationships are no less obvious, yet we seem completely oblivious! How can it not be obvious that something is not all together ideal?  Perhaps it’s because we don’t actually see these things as red flags. Or we don’t want to…

He frequently goes out with his friends until 3 or 4 in the morning.  I’m all about having your own friends, and your own time.  And now and then, if you go on a bender with your buddies, that’s par for the course. But gals, let me ask you a question. What would YOU be doing out until 3 or 4 in the morning with YOUR friends? Polishing and repolishing your nails? I doubt it. Late nights with friends generally involve adult beverages in dimly lit rooms with other adults. What the heck do you think he’s doing? And frankly, it’s not so much WHAT he’s doing, but WHY. That question alone is a big red flag.

He never invites you to come along or meet any of his friends. If this is a person with whom you’re sharing your life, you should be sharing HIS life too. If you’re a real couple, you’re integrated into each other’s lives, and do things together. Sure, you do things without each other too, and you may prefer to let him hang out with his buds on his own (see above, to a degree), but you should be able to meet them if you want to.

He’s got bank accounts you don’t know about. Okay I understand this is sort of a stupid statement, because if you don’t know about them, you can’t know they exist.  But my point is, there should be a great deal of transparency regarding your financial affairs. I mean, what’s to hide? What’s he afraid of you learning? And if you have some iron-clad pre-nup and he says it’s none of your business, what does that tell you about how he feels about you and your future together? If you have an open and honest relationship, you don’t need secrets. You don’t need to tell each other every single thought that crosses your mind, but if either of you feel the need to hide something, the fact that is occurring should be a red flag.

Since he’s been with you, he’s been unemployed. In general, we humans respond well to satisfying needs. After all, the cavemen went out and hunted because they were hungry. They discovered fire because they were cold. If you satisfy all your caveman’s needs, he’s not going to be doing much hunting and gathering. He has no need. But what would he do if you weren’t there? Mooch off of someone else, or make an effort? And if the only answer is he’d mooch off someone else, why do you want to be with someone like that?

My friends, this is by no means an exhaustive list, but I hope these suggestions will help you smell the smoke before you get burned. If these things don’t bother you now, they should. And if there’s something else bothering you about your current relationship, there’s probably a good reason why it does.

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a gazillion times:  communication is the key to a healthy relationship. If you’re afraid to ask about something because you’re afraid of the answer, that’s your first big clue there’s something amiss. You probably already know the truth.

Red flags waving in your marriage? Email me.