From Bad To Worse

Death is not an option.  Yes, life sucks sometimes, but who knows what tomorrow may bring?  You could hit the lottery or take an amazing vacation to Europe.  Ok, so neither of those is likely to happen, but still, it COULD.  The point is, you never know what is coming up just around the corner and I think it’s worth sticking around to find out.  It might just be ho-hum, but it might be amazing -- why not wait and see?

Mr. Hyde doesn’t share my optimism.  He has terrible bouts of depression and during those phases, he makes references to the world being better off without him.  He says nothing he does matters; he just drags the people around him down so maybe he should just put us all out of our misery and ‘end things.’ 

The comments are always vague but their meaning is clear -- Mr. Hyde wants to make a permanent exit.  When he either speaks or peppers emails with these words, I rush to his side and shush away the words.  I ask him to think about what this would do to me and the kids.  I beg him to stop talking that way and I work extra hard to show and tell him how much he means to us; how valuable he is in our lives.  I send long thoughtful emails extolling his virtues and all the things he does to make our family better.

After a day or two, like a switch being flipped, he suddenly and miraculously comes out of his funk.  One minute I’m afraid to leave him home alone, the next he’s cheerful and loving and I’m left marveling at the amazing turnaround.  I know it can’t be anything I said; the cycle has just run its course and he’s done moping around.

This cycle is exhausting.  My emotions are in overdrive and I constantly worry; will he follow through?  How can I handle the guilt?  How would I explain it to the kids, his family, my family, our friends?  I try pumping up his confidence while stressing over his mood and well-being.