He Ain't Gonna Change

They say that love is blind, but I don’t think it’s blind, I just think it’s inordinately optimistic. It’s like the way I used to be with airplane food (when they actually served food on airplanes). Every time I’d peel back that little foil shroud, I was inordinately optimistic that this meal would somehow be delectable, different from all the rest. But alas, it was always…just…airplane food.

A little part of me always hoped and desperately wanted to believe THIS time it would be different. Or because I had once, many, many years ago on my very first plane journey, eaten a meal that was actually tasty (of course that was during the same decade when I thought TV dinners were outstanding). I remained optimistic. I bought into the promise. I was open to the possibility. I had love in my heart.

Oh crap. Am I’m talking about an ex-husband or my airplane entrée? I can’t tell the difference. It’s all the same, isn’t it? We always keep hoping.

Well, get over it girls. It’s not going to change. And most likely, neither is he.

It’s very difficult to change behavior and character. Particularly once we reach adulthood. After all, like beat up sweats and broken-in shoes, we are comfortable in our routines and behaviors. Our childhood makes us what we are today, and more often than not, what we are in the future too.

It takes monumental effort to fundamentally alter the way we look at ourselves and the world, how we interact in relationships and how we have learned to love. These behaviors have had many, many years to be ingrained and refined.

Finding the motivation to change something this deep isn’t easy. Often, we need a nearly traumatic incident to finally get us going. Plus it’s scary to change.

Ask someone who has managed to stay sober for 10 or more years. Or someone who lost 75 pounds and kept it all off. It’s hard work.

What makes you think he’s going to suddenly decide he likes helping out with the kids? Or stop making snotty comments? Or get off the sofa and find a job? Why would he wake up today and become a better listener, or more sensitive?

Look, I know this makes me sound like a cynical bitch (which I may well be) but I prefer to think of it as being a realistic bitch.

Of course it IS possible for people to change. I know they do. I MYSELF have changed the way I behave in a relationship. (It didn’t help my previous marriages, but it’s helping my relationship now.) And of course it’s impossible to predict the future. But I firmly believe the older we get, the less drastic our changes can be.

And I also believe it makes no sense to hook up with someone, or stay with someone based on what you hope will happen in the future. You’ve got to make your decisions based on what you see TODAY. After all, would you buy a pair of brown shoes, hoping they’ll turn red over time? Honey, brown shoes are always brown shoes. If you want red, buy red.

Too many times we set ourselves up for heartbreaking disappointment because we keep hoping, hoping, hoping things will be different tomorrow. We lift up the rock hoping to find a diamond underneath and still keep finding the same old turd.

Well my friends. It ain’t gonna happen. You may decide that turd isn’t all that smelly after all, but it’s not going to turn into a diamond. Stop expecting it.