Holy Union or Wholly Crappy?

One of the central ideas of marriage is that two people become one in their holy union. I think it’s a wholly crappy idea. I’m all for making a good partnership, being loyal, faithful and honest to each other (holy, non-denominational or agnostic).

But becoming ONE person? Bad idea.

 In my experience – both first-hand and observed – one of the key things that causes marriages to break up is the fact that the partners lose their “selfness.” In my opinion, the key to success for not just surviving but thriving in a relationship is being absolutely comfortable with who you are and what you want for yourself. I think there is a certain amount of “selfishness” that is essential – the type that comes from your own feeling of self-worth.

I’ve been reading some of these posts and have been horrified by the messes some women have allowed themselves to get into. They have completely lost their sense of self-worth and that’s why they accept terrible – if not violent- behavior from their partners.

Fortunately, not all husbands are domestic abusers, but the concept of “selfness” is still important for all relationships.

Think of it kind of like the European union. France and Italy are still very different countries with different languages, cuisines, and traditions, yet they pledge to work together peacefully for the betterment of both. Neither would be willing to give up “who they are” – in effect, their sovereign souls. (Dang, this might be one of the most philosophically high-minded things I’ve ever written. What’s gotten into me?)

In a relationship you give up certain things in the name of happy compromise. I now ignore piles of socks on the floor. I can’t make ALL decisions solely based on my own preferences. But the one thing I will never give up is my soul, because then I lose my sense of who I am and I know I will feel trapped.

If every decision you make is based on someone else, what THEY think, what THEY say, what THEY want, who are YOU? Chopped liver? In some respects, the “you-ness” of you ceases to exist.

That is not a good thing! When you abdicate your individuality in a relationship you’ve handed the keys to another driver. The only input you now have in the course of the relationship is the input the other person ALLOWS you to have. No wonder you feel powerless and alone. 

You SHOULD be able to do the things you like. You SHOULD have some outside hobbies or interests you do on your own – not all the time, not to excess, not so much that they add distance to your relationship – but instead they add interest!


Of course it’s easy for me to say all this. I don’t have children, I don’t own property with my sweetie – but frankly, for me that’s a big part of why it works. We have thoroughly retained our individuality while choosing to be together. And it’s going on 9 years.

But if you’re married, and you have children, and you own a house together, it’s all a bit trickier. Particularly if you did all that by giving up your “self-ness.” And now you realize, oops, what have I done? I’m stuck in this marriage, this house, with an armload of kids. How do I unravel this yarn ball without ripping it to shreds?

Good question!

The first thing you must do is figure out exactly what you want for yourself. I know I make plans all the time and change them, but this is a more fundamental question. How do you want to feel about yourself every day? How do you want to approach life? What is most important to you?  I don’t want to be around negative people (including myself). I want to be around positive people. I want to be productive – make things or do things that other people find useful. I want to be comfortable and healthy. I want to laugh as much as possible.

Your list may be completely different. But it’s YOUR list. It’s who you want to be, and no one should take that away from you (unless you’re abducted by aliens or terrorists, but we’ll cover that another time).

Once you have the key to your self-ness, you can then make decisions and move forward based on whether or not each factor supports your manifesto. Want to try to stay in your marriage for the sake of the kids? Great. But that only works if your husband is willing to stay and work too.

If you stay in a difficult relationship because of guilt, or fear of loneliness, or fear of failure, it’s because you have not yet reclaimed your SELF.

And if you run immediately into someone else’s arms because you need that anchor, you STILL have not reclaimed your self. You will not find peace or contentment in ANY relationship until you figure out what that means for your SELF.

Have I made my SELF clear? If not, send me an email. And for more manure-free wit and wisdom, check out my book, “Do I Need To Slap You?”