Home Sweet... Apartment

So, I am finally pretty well settled in to my new place, a very surreal feeling. It's so sad because we spent less time living in our beautiful new home then we spent planning and building it, not to mention the pain of now trying to lease or sell the darn thing in this market. 

I must say, although I knew that this would be hard on all of us, I was not expecting the confusion in my heart to be so great so quickly. I dont know who I am anymore. Let me tell you a few of the things I feel right now just so that anyone else in my shoes does not feel insane (cause I do right now):

Relief: to have the weight of the marriage gone (ie being so damn worried about his feelings)
Stressed to think I have to raise 4 kids on my own and am responsible for their happiness
Happy to think that I am starting fresh
Sad to think that we failed at a lifetime commitment in 7 short years
Thrilled to have actual designated time to myself (weekends, woo hoo!!)
Comfortable at night to spread out all over the bed, clean sheets all the time!
Devastated to think that I was with someone for 7 years that never loved me or appreciated me the way I did him.
Strong to think that I was able to send him away last night, not beg him to stay after the kids had went to bed and we had our family time.
Lonely, well that one is a given, and not all the time, just certain moments
Excited to think about having girls nights out, without the guilt!
GUILTY to think that my kids are going through this tramatic experience, when really I probably could have kept the marriage going, even if it was bad, just for them to have us together.
Angry that I had/will have 4 children with this man when I only bargained for 2 or 3 and he promised to be the man that I needed. Angry that he did not treat me how I deserved to be treated. Anger could go on and on so I will leave it at that for now.
Exhausted from working full time, going to school and taking care of my beautiful babies, and more tired each day the pregnancy continues.