How To Tell When You're Not In Love.
The Ex Files
I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Looking back, I can see I was falling out of love with my husband for years. I just didn’t know it at the time, but it sure is clear to me now.
So I’m thinking it might help you to have a method to tell when you’re falling out of love. Sort of like a turkey thermometer that pops out when the bird’s cooked. So if you answer yes to any of the following examples, chances are you’re not in love with your husband anymore...
1. You fantasize about him having an affair because you’re sick of him pestering you for sex.
2. If he’s a sports fan you have seriously thought about :
a. Putting a hex on his favorite team.
b. Putting your foot through the TV on SuperBowl Sunday.
c. Leaving his golf clubs out in the rain to rust.
d. Clipping a couple critical tennis racket strings with your cuticle scissors (My personal fave)
e. Hiding his football, baseball, basketball, or those two things that hang on either side of his
penis.
f. Shrinking his jock strap.
3. You would rather stay up late watching Meerkats fuck than have sex with your husband.
4. You have fed him something you know you shouldn’t have. Like expired lunch meat. Moldy cheese. Cat food. Or your spit.
5. You hide something that he really needs. Like his address book. His car keys. Or his insulin… And when he asks where it is, you play dumb and point him in the wrong direction.
6. You walk past nearby apartment complexes and think “If we ever break up, that’s where I’ll move.”
7. When he snores, you fantasize about stuffing his open mouth with wall putty.
8. If a giant meteor were hurtling toward the earth, and life as we know was about to end, you still wouldn’t have sex with him.
