I Know, But...

I know I need to leave. If I was anyone else and they came to me asking “what should I do?” I would say, “Are you crazy? You should have left months ago. What in the world are you still doing with him?”

I know I have to leave, but it’s still hard. Don’t get me wrong I’m going. I really am. Just because something is difficult doesn’t mean it’s not the right thing to do. Besides I know it will only be hard at first, and then I will be so happy I will be kicking myself for not leaving sooner.

So what makes leaving so hard? A few things. 1) It’s a failure. Yes, everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. I want to just write this off as a lesson learned and remember the good times. Knowing that we couldn’t make it though, it makes me sad. I remember when we were dating we used to talk all the time about how our life would be together and how happy we would be. It’s sad to think that will never happen.

2) It’s comfortable. Although he is a total psycho he is the only person that knows me so well. He knows everything about me. All my hopes, fears, dreams, secrets, all about my childhood, he knows my whole family. When I am with him I don’t worry about how I look, how I sound, or anything. When I leave him I will be giving that up and I wonder if I’ll ever feel has comfortable around anyone else.

3) Habit. Okay this is the most ridiculous reason for being sad about leaving and I know it. I don’t know if any of you other Hags or those reading ever felt this way when you were preparing to leave, but anyway… I know him. I know what he likes and what he doesn’t. I know what to cook for dinner. I know what to buy at the store. I know how he likes to do certain things. I realized this was sad just yesterday. I was at the grocery store and was picking up a few into between items that regularly run out. I got three things: bread, milk, and salad dressing. Like always I had to get two of each item. Wheat bread (me) and white bread (him). 2% milk (me) and whole milk (him). Italian dressing for me and ranch for him. Although this doesn’t seem like a big deal I actually got a little sad realizing that after doing it for so long pretty soon I wouldn’t have to buy two of these items anymore.