I Want You To Want Me

It has been one month since we last had sex, if you can even call the "wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am" exchange we had a month ago "sex". I am past the point of sexual starvation. I think I’m sexually decomposing.

Every day he rips my heart out a little more. I stare at him, longing to touch him, but every time I am bold enough to run my fingers across his leg, him he pulls away and tells me to leave him alone. Even his scent turns me on. He came in yesterday all sticky from the heat and I almost died wanting to lick the sweat off of him. I can’t take this much longer.

Last night I laid it all on the table once again. He can shower me with sweet words and thoughtful gestures, he can wait on me hand and foot, he can tell me he loves me until he’s blue in the face, but until he touches me like a woman needs to be touched I will not feel loved. I am dying inside from not feeling loved.

Finally he confessed to me the true reason for his abstinence. He’s been holding out to punish me for some horrible thing I said to him months ago. I had long ago apologized, but the resentment has not died. He is continuing to punish me by withholding sex.

I have never been so hurt in my life. To know that the man I love is intentionally hurting me in such an intimate way... It’s so calloused, so calculating, so manipulative! I stared at him and wondered who was this man I’ve been loving. I wondered if I really even knew him at all.

We went to bed with still no more affection than a chase kiss. I can’t sleep. For the first time in two years, I feel like I’m sharing my bed with a stranger.