If I Only Had A Brain...

Stupid, stupid J-Fed.

J-Fed is reveling in his newfound freedom now that he's no longer accountable to "the man." And by "the man" I mean me. To prove it, he went out and bought a brand-spanking new go-cart for $3,500 cash. But here’s the kicker, this isn’t just any go-cart. It’s a go-cart for a kid, and by kid, I don’t mean kid stuck in a man’s body. I mean, a kid as in someone under the age of 13.

“I’ll have my niece drive it or daughter can drive it,” he informs me. Oh, you mean 5-year-old daughter who’s too scared to let us change her earrings because it might hurt. Or wait, you mean daughter who broke her arm getting out of a stopped car. Sure, J-Fed, let’s get daughter who refuses to go on any ride scarier than It’s A Small World to go on a go-cart that goes up to 90 miles per hour. Yes, I can really see that happening in our lifetime. NOT!

Forget the fact that daughter has no interest in driving a go-cart. Oh stupid, stupid J-Fed. Lavish purchases are not in your best interest these days. Did it occur to you that your kiddie cart won’t pay your rent a few months down the line, while that $3,500 would have kept you from living under a bridge for a whopping three months?

No, no, no. That would be common sense, and by now, I know that common sense, along with common decency, is something that alludes dear J-Fed. You see, while I’m cutting corners left and right not to have to sell my kidney in order to maintain my present quality of life (i.e. a place to live, electricity, water, food and all the other basic necessities), J-Fed is out blowing his load on a fat new ride… that isn’t even for him. The only saving grace is that he is still putting in his contributions for the kids.

Now, I’m not saying he doesn’t have a brain. I’m just saying he prefers not to use it.

J-Fed could have done many things with that $3,500. He could have kept it in savings. He could have repaved the driveway he’s destroyed with the trailer that carries his little carts. He could have used it to take a crash course in being an adult. Hell, he could have even used it to pay for food and shelter for the upcoming months. But if J-Fed had chosen to do that, he just wouldn’t be J-Fed. And if he wasn’t J-Fed, we’d likely still be together.

Thank God that J-Fed is who he is. Even better, thank God that J-Fed is where he is… and not still here. Because if he’d spent another nickel on go-carts while living under the same roof as me, then I’d be spending a pretty penny on his gold-plated casket.