I'm With Stupid

This year for Christmas J-Fed gave me $5,000 diamond earrings. But what I really wanted was a t-shirt that says, “I’m with stupid.” I know I sound like an ingrate. The earrings were stunning, and they are a symbol of everything I do for J-Fed throughout the year. The “I’m With Stupid T-Shirt,” however, would have been an acknowledgment that he says and does some pretty stupid things.

Let’s take a moment this morning to go down the short list.

J-Fedism #1: Every morning, before he even swings both legs out of bed, J-Fed growls loudly and shouts across the house, “Where are my Newports?” Mind you, he still has one eye closed at this point.

Now, there are six of us that live in this house. You can rule me out because I quit smoking and when I did smoke it was Marlboro Lights. Our five-year-old prefers Virginia Slims. Our four-month-old prefers to roll her own. And the Hounds of Basketcaseville are trying to quit. So no, we haven’t made off with his Newports, and certainly not every morning.

If anyone should know where J-Fed’s cigarettes are, it’s J-Fed. Why? Because the last thing he does before he goes to bed and the first thing he does when he wakes up is smoke a Newport. And to boot… He smokes his cigarettes in the same exact place. Common sense says: Leave your frigging cigarettes where you smoke them and quit asking the rest of us where they are. We don’t know and we don’t care.

J-Fedism #2: “The kids in daughter's school hit. Don’t you remember? Boy X hit her a couple of months ago.

Reality check J-Fed. Boy X and daughter do not see each other at school. They haven’t been in the same class in over a year. And the first and last time he hit her Seinfeld was still on the air.

Do you and I live on the same planet J-Fed? Or even in the same house? I’m not so sure sometimes. I mean, you’re here, but you are soooooooooo not here.

J-Fedism #3: “The cleaning lady doesn’t do a good enough job on Saturdays.”

J-Fed, the cleaning lady has never once cleaned on a Saturday. Not this cleaning lady. Not the last cleaning lady. Not even the cleaning lady before both of those cleaning ladies. And if you want to complain about the lady who does clean on Saturdays…

Well, that’s me. And you try scrubbing walls, dusting furniture and washing windows with a 5-year-old crying about going to Wannado City and a 4-month-old hanging off your boob at the same time.

Oh that’s right. You don’t know what happens on Saturdays because YOU’RE never here. Nor are you here on Sundays. And while we’re at it even when you’re here, you aren’t here. Sitting in the garage smoking cigarettes, drinking fraps and watching YouTube is not co-existing. It’s escaping, escaping from reality – the good, the bad and the ugly.

Now, I’m going to help you out fella. Valentine’s Day is just around the corner. Forget flowers. Skip the chocolates. Get me my “I’m With Stupid” t-shirt and I’ll be happy.