It's Not Like That

If J-Fed died tomorrow and I was responsible for his epitaph, I'd etch this phrase in his tombstone.

Let me explain. For months, I suspected there was something going on between him and
T.W. (the woman formerly known as the other woman). I'm talking about before the divorce, during the divorce and definitely after the divorce. I spent the last year accusing J-Fed of shagging her. On more than one occasion, I even accused him of walking out on our marriage FOR her.

Yet time and time again, his response was the same "it's not like that."

Whenever the topic of J-Fed and T.W. would come up around my friends, I'd tell them that "it's not like that" between them. It was only when presented with a prescription for Lithium and a fitting for a straitjacket that I finally started to have my doubts.

Actually, it was my guy friends that were the harshest about it. "It is like that" they'd tell me. You're a fool. Are you that guillable? Crazy Kiki. I can't count the number of times people shook their heads or actually burst out laughing in my face. I would have been insulted if I hadn't known deep down that they were probably right.

At least Mr. Ex was gentle in his approach. In the beginning of our relationship, he'd nod his head and listen sympathetically. He wouldn't dispute my denials. About a week ago, we were sitting on our bench in front of the house and I made a comment about how there was probably nothing going on between J-Fed and T.W. when we were married. Then, I went out on a limb and said that IF anything had happened between them, it was probably just recently.

Mr. Ex looked me square in the eye and explained as gently as possible that when it came to J-Fed and T.W. "it was like that" and it likely had been for a longtime. It wasn't that he had any specific knowledge. He was simply speaking from a man's point of view. I'm sure he hated to destroy my illusions, but it was his way of saying "Kiki, there's no santa, no tooth fairy, no easter bunny and by the way, I'm betting my left nut your ex-husband's been banging your ex-friend for awhile."

He wanted me to stop living the dream. So I did. It was nothing against J-Fed. He liked the guy and never had a negative thing to say about him. But I guess he didn't like watching me stick my head up my ass, although I think some guys might find it kind of kinky.

It was just a couple of days later when J-Fed called me about the kids. I was lying in bed watching a movie. Mr. Ex was farting around somewhere, doing something. The conversation went something like this.

"Hi Kiki," J-Fed said.

"Hey, J-Fed. What's up?" I asked.

"How are the girls?" he replied.

"Fine. Baby is sleeping and 6-year-old is playing in her room," I told him.

"I'll be picking them up between 5:30 and 6 tomorrow," he told me.

"Okay," I replied.

"How are you?" he asked, making small talk.

"Fine. Just watching a movie," I informed him.

"Where's Mr. Ex?" he asked.

"Dunno," I said.

"How are things with you and Mr. Ex?" he inquired.

"I've got no complaints," I told him.

"You with no complaints? Man, things must be real good," he said snidely.

This was the moment. My shining moment. I seized the opportunity.

"It's not like that, JFed," I said smartly.

"Then what's it like?" he asked.

I told J-Fed I had to get back to my movie. But what I should have said was this...

How are Mr. Ex and I? Don't ask. Because it's not like that. This isn't a rollercoaster of love. There are no constant ups and downs. No break-ups and make-ups. There is no drama.
Yeah, we have disagreements. We get past them. We move on. We don't put each other down.