It's so YOU darling

SHAMELESS PLUG ALERT: I was talking to a reporter about my book, “Do I Need To Slap You?” and she asked me something about women being single and moving on after a relationship, and I realized something really important about the way we look at ourselves when we’re not in a relationship.

(Ok, end of shameless plug).  When we’re not in a relationship – or the relationship has just ended – we tend to describe ourselves as “alone.” This has terrible connotations.

ALONE seems to say there is no one there to help you. No one will support you. No one to turn to.  No one to take care of you. No one  look after your needs.

ALONE implies you NEED someone else. ALONE is an UNdesirable state. An unhappy lonely state.

But when you finally cut loose the unshaven, 200-pound weight hanging around your neck, would you actually call this an UNhappy state? HELL no. This is a very HAPPY state! A state like Hawaii where all the drinks are free, or Nevada where the slot machines pay out 500 bucks every single time.  This is fabulous!

You are free to make your own decisions. To plot your own course in life. To learn exactly what makes YOU happy. And have no one to hold you back.

You are BY YOURSELF. By yourself means ALL by yourself. You can chart your own successes, your own pleasure, your desire to do everything, or your desire to do absolutely nothing. You are powerful! Independent! And most important FREEEEEEEEEEEE!

This is a wonderful thing! You have The Power! Being By Yourself means you don’t have to answer to someone else’s needs (well, you’re right, except your kids, but don’t interrupt me. I’m on a roll). Being By Yourself is being the queen of your own queendom.

Of course there is one downside. When you are by yourself, you are also responsible for yourself. Which means there is no one to blame. It’s always nice when we can point the finger at someone else for our own misery, but when you are fully in charge of your life, the only person you can point at is you.

Frankly, I prefer that. Because then I know I have control over what happens next. Call me a control freak, but I really like steering my own ship.  Now lest you think this means I don’t ever want to be in a relationship, think again.

But here’s my feelings about that. There is no doubt in my mind that having someone in your life can enhance your life. Absolutely. It’s wonderful to be able to share your pleasures and share your burdens.  It’s wonderful to have someone caring about you, and knowing exactly what itch you need scratched, and when. 

But here’s the key thing. Don’t look for someone to make you happy. No one can MAKE you happy. All they can do is make you happy-ER. You must be responsible for your own happiness. Most importantly, you need to know how to do that BY YOURSELF.