J-Fed Wins $371,000

There’s not a person in this world who wouldn’t be elated to hear that their husband had won $371,000, not a person with the exception of me. J-Fed was grinning ear to ear as he dropped the bomb on me. In fact, he could barely contain himself. I hadn’t seen him this happy since well, he found out that pissing in an armoire can win you a one week’s stay at a local motel.

But there he was like a kid at Christmas, looking pleased as pie.

“I won $371,000 last night,” he announced.

First, I looked around for a briefcase of cash. And when I didn’t see one, I searched the room for a hidden camera. My J-Fed winning that kind of cash? Surely, there had to have been some kind of mistake… and a big one at that. Maybe I was wrong, but the last time I checked they weren’t giving away a prize for being the biggest numbskull. Anyways, I played into his little game.

“You did? And how did you win $371,000?” I asked him curiously.

“Playing Texas Hold ‘Em,” he said proudly.

Wow, I was impressed J-Fed actually had enough initiative to play anything besides YouTube videos. Had he secretly snuck off to the Hard Rock last night and made us rich beyond our wildest dreams? Hardly. In fact, he hadn’t made it past the local watering hole which is close enough to our house to spit on.

“And not only did I win $371,000, but when you go look at the video machine under highest scores, there I am, right at the top,” he giggled. ARGHHHHHH. Oh J-Fed you’re the biggest winner alright, the biggest winner at being a LOSER. I didn’t know why I was so angry. It wasn’t like I actually believed he’d cashed in on any real collateral. I guess it was the simple fact that he was sooooooo proud of himself for winning against a stupid video machine at the local bar. Hell, the clientele at this place was like five people, and that was counting J-Fed twice.

For a brief moment, I actually felt sorry, sorry that I actually considered J-Fed my intellectual equal. But then he opened his mouth again, and my sympathy passed in a fleeting moment.

“Can you believe I only had to spend $15 to get the highest score? That’s not bad at all. Here you thought I was wasting my time up there,” he boasted.

If I had known that J-Fed was on such a top-secret mission up at the local watering hole, I never would have stood in the way of him achieving the high score on Texas Hold ‘Em. For the love of God, could he have not used that $15 to pay for his wings and beer? Oh no you see. That’s what credit cards are for. Why waste his cash on something stupid like food when he could invest it in becoming the world champ of video poker?

That’s when J-Fed made the big announcement. Texas Hold ‘Em was going to be his ticket out of debt. He had just been warming up on the video machine. He was about to hit the big time with online poker, he informed me. For just $19.99 a month he could enter a tournament with REAL CASH PRIZES.

Forget making money the old fashioned way. After all, working is WAY overrated, especially when you can sit on the computer and play Texas Hold ‘Em all day. But before he could get started on his world tour of Texas Hold ‘Em, he needed to invest a small amount of cash for a second computer monitor. Why you ask? Because then he can multi-task – one screen for Texas Hold ‘Em and one for YouTube.

I mean I knew J-Fed was innovative, but I had no idea just how innovative he could be. Forget the fact that with all of the money that he’s poured into that place he probably could have bought the friggin machine.

You know, a wise man once said “you gotta know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em, know when to walk away and know when to run…”

I’m about ready to sprint.