Just When You Think It Couldn't Get Worse...

I thought that I was at the bottom of the barrel last week. I had this marriage that was  falling to pieces around me, with no idea how to fix it. We had only been in this house a month and I found no joy in decorating, no motivation to organize any longer and well, quite frankly I barely had the strength to clean it.

I have been depressed, frustrated, angry, you name the emotion and I have had it. I have been the biggest bitch to a man that may not have deserved it last month -- maybe a little. I have small secrets (well, they would be huge to him I am sure) that I don't even dare bring up because our marriage is hanging by a thread, a very, very thin thread. I don't even recognize myself anymore.

Yep, that was LAST week.  This week, every issue above just suddenly dissolved as I deal with a much more gloomy issue... pregnancy.

Let me start by saying that I am done, very much done having children. When I became pregnant with my third child in 2005 I was not thrilled, but I was okay. I was accepting and it felt right, and although we were a little nervous I think we were both happy, even more so when we found out it would be a boy after two girls.
However, after going through the emotional mess of pregnancy and the first year with a husband who just wasn't the man I needed, I knew I was done. I was completely drained, both physically and emotionally. I was tired of giving all of myself and sacrificing so much all the time.

I promised myself that no matter how baby hungry I got, I would never allow myself to get pregnant again. I even made one of the few journal entries I have ever made just to remind myself NOT to do it again. We have been careful, but obviously not careful enough because, well, here I am, stuck again.