Loony Tunes

You’ve heard of the gift that keeps on giving, but J-Fed is the gift that keeps on taking. He’s like an Energizer bunny of sorts that keeps going and going and going. Just when I thought I was safe from J-Fed’s spend thrifty ways, I’m once again shocked by the realization of what it’s like to be Mrs. J-Fed.

A small tear trickled down my cheek this morning in J-Fed’s absence. I was taking a walk down Sentimental Street when the mail arrived. As our eyes connected, the mailman and I had a “moment.” He gave me a knowing look that was a combination of sympathy, sadness and disgust. Who better to comprehend the pain I go through with J-Fed on a daily basis than the man who delivers the bill? Don’t worry, Mr. Mailman. They don’t shoot the messenger.

Anyways, I received a quick wake-up call when I opened my monthly credit card statement and discovered someone, somewhere had been using my iTunes account to buy songs, and a helluva a lot of them. Now, I didn’t need to be Sherlock Holmes to discover that J-Fed was the culprit. $12.87… $7.92… $35.64… $40.77… At $.99 a song, he had enough music to start his own club. LOSER!

I had forgotten that I'd given him access to buy "a" song. I should have known "a" would quickly turn into 80. This was J-Fed after all, king of everything in excess.

I felt sick to my stomach. He had some friggin nerve. It’s bad enough the charges that J-Fed puts on his own credit cards. However, now he’d accosted my credit card for his personal enjoyment. I rushed to the computer to see exactly which songs he had purchased. It WAS my iTunes account after all. There are some things you just don’t share with your spouse – toothbrushes, forks and iTunes accounts.

I was already mad enough, but then I looked at what he’d purchased. At least $40 of those songs had gone to download selections from two Damien Rice CD’s, the same two CD’s I had given him for his birthday last month. Was he friggin kidding me? Did he not realize that he could simply insert the CDs into his computer and import the songs to his iTunes? Not only was he stupid for buying the songs on my account in the first place, but he had also proven himself to be technologically stunted.

And then I looked at the dates. The nerve! Believe it or not, J-Fed actually had the cojones to use my iTunes account when he had been living in the hotel-motel after I kicked him out on his birthday. And did I mention just last night he bought ANOTHER $20 songs... from his apartment. You know, the apartment where he has no responsibilities, no worries, no cares.

I guess paybacks really are a bitch.

I thought about taking something of his and breaking it, something like HIS HEAD. But then I remembered that he didn’t live here any more so there was nothing I physically could do to him. But that didn’t prevent an unexpected verbal assault. I armed myself with insults as I dialed his number at warp speed. Ring… Ring… Before he could even say hello, I cut right to the chase.

“J-Fed, why do I have more than $100 in iTunes charges on my credit card?” I demanded an answer.

"Have you been spying on me? That's so not cool, Kiki. How would you like it if I went into your credit card and started snooping," he seethed.

"J-FED, THIS IS MY CREDIT CARD YOU NITWIT!" I yelled. He quickly moved from offense to defense.

“I don’t know how to set up my own account so I’ve been using yours. Kiki, quit being so damn petty. I’ll give you the money,” he snapped back. Yeah, and the check is in the mail.

“J-Fed, love doesn’t live here anymore and neither do you. So STOP using my iTunes account.”

Obviously he wasn’t in tune enough with reality to realize that when he moved out, he no longer had the privilege of blowing my hard earned cash. But what was $100 in iTunes to J-Fed, when he could spend $500 a night at the local watering hole?
Needless to say, I cancelled my account before "loony" tunes could do any more damage.

Just another lesson learned.