Loving vs Lusting

There’s a lot of heartbreak in the world. Or at least, in the part of the world that sends me emails. I hear from scores of women with broken hearts who say they just don’t understand what happened in their blooming relationships. They meet this nice guy who pursues them passionately and perhaps even lavishly. They talk on the phone, or email, or date once or twice. And then they have sex.

Sigh.

And then it all changes. He hardly calls. He hardly writes. She wonders what she did wrong. Until the phone rings again.

He calls, they have sex, and she’s happy until the whole cycle starts again.  The problem is (and here comes the obvious truth), men and women are different. While she’s falling in love, he’s falling in lust.

I don’t know why it is, it just is. I don’t know if it’s because men and women truly are different, or we act differently because we’re told we’re different. I don’t know if it has to do with our primeval wiring – that a gazillion years ago male homo sapiens were wired to spread their seed, and females were wired for nurturing. Many scholars wiser than I have built their careers on books about the subject.

But I do know it’s not the exception, it’s the rule. Particularly (and perhaps, unfortunately), in this day and age.

Ladies, let me just put it this way. That guy who’s aching to get into your panties an hour, a day or even a week after you met him is most probably NOT looking for the love of his life. If the only place you ever feel you’re connecting with him emotionally is between the no-iron percales, you need to do the laundry and send him packing.

It sometimes appears to me that Western society’s changed attitude toward sexual activity in the last 40 years has led to more heartbreak in exchange for easy passion.

All the contraceptive precaution in the world is not going to prevent a broken heart. Having said that, hearts were broken before The Pill was invented.

In any case, the easy acceptance we feel for non-, extra- or pre-marital sex means more opportunity for miscommunication and inconsistent expectations, especially when the expectations of men and women are so different to begin with. So let me give you some of my “golden rules:”

1. You’re not going to make him love you because you sleep with him.

2. If he only comes back because you have sex with him, you don’t want him back.
3. “Making love” doesn’t mean he’s in love.
4. If he doesn’t call you after you finally have sex, you should be happy. He’s removed himself from your life. You can move on.
5. If “it all changes” after you have sex, it should give you a big hint. It was never what you thought it was.
And a free bonus (painfully obvious) rule: NEVER I mean NEVER have unprotected sex.

We all have sex for different reasons, at different times in our lives. Of course, the number one reason is to make babies, but that’s actually only a very, very small percentage of the time.

To be honest, other than procreation, I think the best reason to have sex is because you simply want to have sex. Not because you want something something from your partner, or because you think you should, or because you need love. But because you want good, squelchy sex. I personally believe it is preferable to do it in a mutually loving relationship, but I’m old-fashioned that way.

But it’s very, very hard to tell our hearts what to feel. The urge to find love is very, very great. If you have a tendency to fall, ladies (and some gentlemen), don’t rush to get naked. And if you do, you must recognize that often one man’s lust is another woman’s love. Make sure you always know the difference.

Is it lust or love? Send me an email. Or for more pithy (and sometimes pissy) commentary, check out my book: "Do I Need To Slap You?"