Men and Your Pants

Ladies, I’m afraid it’s time for me to cut the crepe and get right to the point with one of life’s universal truths. Ready?  Okay, here goes…

Every man you go out with wants to get in your pants.

The only thing that separates the slime bags from the gentlemen is timing (and what happens the day after).  No matter how kind and “different” they may seem, I can assure you, they all have the same ultimate goal. Your life will be much easier and less confusing if you simply accept this universal truth. I am not repeat NOT suggesting you have to let them IN. I’m just saying that’s where they all want to go.  Eventually.

It’s just the way men are wired. It’s not a character flaw, not something shameful, it’s simply nature.

The same way we are subconsciously evaluating every man we meet for long-term partner/marriage potential, they are wondering how to get into our pants.

He says you’re really special and loves your company? Right. Friendship is more important than anything? Ha.

Don’t believe me? Have a look at some swear-ta-gawd verbatim profiles I found on match.com:

“I am looking for someone to share life with but not be smothered by. I love to hang out with that special someone that shares common interests and I also like my personal alone time.” (Translation: I want to have sex a few times a week, but don’t expect me to take you out every Saturday).

“I am kind-hearted, forgiving, considerate, compassionate, passionate and physical. I'm a hands-on type of guy and want a good woman in my arms to care for, love and protect.”
(Translation: I really need to get laid).

“Someone who takes chances, willing to go anywhere and try anything new. Adventurous... Most important to me is a love for life and happiness.” (Translation:  I also really need to get laid, but I prefer kinky.)

“You are intelligent, enjoy great intimacy and appreciate the attention to the small details that cause a romantic relationship to continuously deepen.” (Translation: I’ll take you out for one expensive dinner, and then it’s time to get busy.)

“Fun is based on the mood and moment. Sometimes it's going out for dinner and drinks. Other times it's cuddled on the couch immersed in a movie. Mixing it up while always trying new things is the balance I truly enjoy.” (Translation: What I truly enjoy is buying some hot chick a couple of Cosmos and then taking her home for couch sex under the pretence of watching an art film.)

I fully expect to get crabby emails from people saying I’m a pessimistic man-hater or something similar, but that’s simply not the case! Cynical? Perhaps. Realistic?  Most definitely. I simply call ‘em as I see ‘em.  I’m also very much an optimist – and I believe a realistic view is an essential component of optimism.

I am now going to reveal one of my personal secrets of contentment in life: setting expectations correctly. Having the correct expectation is critical for just about every aspect of our lives. And generally, I try to set my expectations as realistically as possible – which sometimes means a little on the low side. I don’t know about you, but I don’t enjoy being disappointed. I prefer to be satisfied, and of course I love being pleasantly surprised. So if my expectations are very realistic – even a teeny bit low, I have a very good chance of being satisfied and very often pleasantly surprised. And that’s why I think realistic expectations continually feed optimism.

If, when you meet a new man, you accept that he wants to get in your pants, you can more easily interpret his comments and actions. And you won’t be disappointed or shocked when he tries. You can also anticipate and prepare for your response.

It’s like the way you play blackjack. You have to play all your hands as if the dealer’s hidden card is a ten. You can’t know for sure, but that’s the way the odds are.

Of course with every rule, there are exceptions. If he never tries to get into your pants, one or more of the following could be true:

∑ He’s simply not attracted to you.
∑ He needs to be married to you first.
∑ He’s very truly committed to another relationship.

Now the only thing I can’t help you with is how to know which men have no ultimate goal beyond getting in your pants. In other words, those men for whom the chase is everything. I know that’s one of the most disappointing experiences we women go through – investing so much time and energy on someone who appears to be also investing time and energy, only to have him disappear once he finally beds you. All I can say is, just make sure when you DO let someone in your pants, it’s because you really like how it feels, NOT because you want to keep him. And accept you may never hear from him again.

That way, your expectations are realistically set. You go to bed with him because you’re looking forward to an evening of fluid exchange, nothing more. If he never calls again, so what? At least you had a pleasant evening. Which is more than many others can say.
In fact, as I think of these universal truths, and how we must accept them in life, I am reminded of Alfred Lord Tennyson’s words (of which these are not): “Tis better to have loved a short man, than never to have loved a tall.”