Men: Are You Worthless? Take The Quiz

In honor of my birthday, I’ve decided to give myself a gift. To avoid making the mistakes of relationships past, I’m going to put it all out there to any potential suitor I may encounter from the get go. When a prospective mate asks me what I’m looking for in a partner, I’m not going to rattle of a list of qualities. Instead I’m going to hand them this simple quiz that I so creatively devised.

It’s called the Kiki quiz. Now, I’d like to say there are no right or wrong answers, but the truth of the matter is, there are only right and wrong answers.

The lawn needs to be mowed. You…
a). Tivo the game and spend Sunday afternoon cutting and edging the yard
b.) Surprise me by hiring a lawn service to take care of the task on a bi-weekly basis.
c.) Give away the lawn mower so you never have to cut the grass again

2. It’s 10:30 p.m. at night and you just polished off the rest of the milk. You…
a.) Run up to the grocery store so daughter will have milk for her cereal in the morning.
b.) Make daughter eggs in the morning since there is no milk
c.) Put the empty milk jug back in the refrigerator. Nobody will know the difference until you’re already out the door for work anyway.

3.) I’m in the emergency room with the flu and have been vomiting all day. You…
a.) Leave work and come to the hospital to make sure I’m ok
b.) Stop by the ER for 5 minutes just to ensure I still have a pulse and show a semblance of concern
c.) Tell me to call you when the doctor figures out what is wrong.

4.) We’re having serious marital problems and my birthday is coming up. You…
a.) Arrange a special night for the two of us to be alone together. Maybe we can work things out.
b.) Throw a surprise party with your best friend and pretend like nothing is wrong. At least you two will have fun.
c.) Ignore the occasion and tell me to enjoy myself when I leave to go out.

5.) We have a newborn baby and I haven’t slept in almost a month. You…
a.) Lead me to the bed, close the blinds and take the kids to the park for the day.
b.) Hire a babysitter to help you so that I can get some sleep.
c.) Head out to the racetrack. Nobody ever died from a lack of sleep.

6.) It’s a family vacation. You…
a.) Help me plan the trip and count down the days until we leave.
b.) Pack your stuff the night before the trip, but put on a happy face and prepare to enjoy yourself.
c.) Cancel out the night before and make us go by ourselves because you have to “work.”

7.) I have a very important phone conference at 3 p.m. You…
a.) Take the kids to the park so that I won’t be disturbed.
b.) Sit in the recliner quietly, although you’re really annoyed that you have to be silent because of “my” job.
c.) Sit down in front of the television and turn the volume as loud as it can go. This is “your” home.

8.) The dogs ate something bad and have thrown up all over the floor. You…
a.) Tell me to go sit down. You’ll take care of it.
b.) Get down on your knees and help me clean it up.
c.) Point, gag and laugh. Better me than you!

9.) It’s trash day. You…
a.) Take the trash out
b.) Take the trash out when I ask you.
c.) Trash? You don’t even know what day it comes

10.) The baby is crying and it’s getting on your nerves. You…
a.) Step outside for a minute. You’ll be able to help more once you wind down.
b.) Offer to take turns until she finally stops.
c.) Ask me what I’ve fed her today. Surely it’s something I’ve done that’s making her cry.

These are real-life situations. I’m not looking for someone who’s going to be perfect. I’m looking for someone who just knows how to display some common courtesy. Tell me I expect too much. Tell me I’m never going to find a man. Tell me I’m a whiny bitch who deserves to die alone. Just don’t tell me that these are not the things that separate the boys from the men.

And by the way, if you chose C for any or most of the above, I’ll be c-c-cing you later.