My Husband, The Superzero

Flashback to 1999. It was the year Angelina Jolie and Johnny Lee Miller got divorced. The year Brooke Shields and Andre Agassi had their marriage annulled. The year Carmen Electra and Dennis Rodman cut short their brief union. And somewhere in some small town, it was the beginning of J-Fed and Kiki.

One of the reasons I initially fell in love with J-Fed was his ability to maintain grace under pressure. He was so calm and collect, as if nothing could phase him. He just went with the flow. He said little, but the few words he spoke said so much. I was smitten. I mistook silence for maturity, I must admit.

For it was only months into our relationship that J-Fed disclosed the fact that he possessed superhero abilities. Man, I counted myself lucky. In a world of slackers, stalkers and sickos, I had stumbled on a real-life superhero. Look out Lois Lane. Move over Mary Jane Watson. I was J-Fed’s leading lady.

I imagined the possibilities. Could he race faster than a speeding bullet, leap tall buildings in a single bound and empty a dishwasher single-handedly? Maybe he could mop, dust and cook dinner while balancing a checkbook? Please God, let it be good, I prayed. I waited for his revelation with bated bet.

On one random Saturday, a crisis arose and that’s when he came out of the closet with his mystifying secret. J-Fed jumped behind the wheel of the car and darted furiously in and out of traffic, cutting off drivers, flicking off anyone that got in his way. He did all this while feasting on a super-sized #3 meal from Wendy’s. This was a side of him I’d never seen, like his alterego had stepped in.

“You’re going to get us shot,” I screamed as my short life passed before me, forgetting that he had the unknown power.

“No, I’m not,” he said confidently. He flashed a knowing smile, a small piece of lettuce caught between his teeth.

“People are looking at you like you’re crazy,” I said matter-of-factly.

“No, they’re not. Do you know why? They can’t see me. I took my invisible pill this morning,” he revealed, pulling a container of peppermint Tic Tacs out of his pocket. That was his power? He could make himself invisible? For the love of God, how the hell was that going to help me? Suddenly, the life of a heroine didn’t seem so attractive.

There was an uncomfortable silence between us. I must admit I felt a little let down as I stared at the car in front of us. We didn’t say a word as our vehicle came to a complete stop. Our conversation had reached a standstill just like the woman in the soccer mom minivan in front of us, who was chatting away merrily to some random passerby.

The Invisible Man honked his horn. The woman in front of us waved and continued to talk, still blocking our ability to drive. The Invisible Man laid on his horn. On and on she prattled with complete disregard to us. And that’s when the Invisible Man hid behind his invisibleness and launched his half eaten Triple Stack into the side of her white minivan. Splat! It hit the side of her wagon like a missile, mustard oozing down the side of the van. He stopped short of tossing all of his fries at her – he was still hungry. Then he weaved around her and sped off.

“Oh. My. God. We’re going to be charged with assault. Are you kidding?” I yelled. Had I really just witnessed a grown man attack a minivan with a Triple Stack? I know my eyes didn’t deceive me.

“Don’t worry. She didn’t see me. Remember…” he shook the container of Tic Tacs.

And so began my life with the Invisible Man. Little did I know the truth in lies. Although I was skeptical in the beginning, over the years it became apparent he truly was the invisible man. When the dishes needed to be done, he was nowhere. When the dogs needed to be bathed, you couldn’t find him no matter how hard you looked. Kids needed to be picked up from school? Invisible he was. How did he do it, I wondered.

Yet if I walked through the door with two coffee Frappaccinos, he would miraculously appear. I hated to admit it, but I was green with envy. Oh to be able to make myself invisible at any given moment.

I often think about that day and that Triple Stack, and wonder how my life would have been different had he choked on it.