My Sagging Economy
Do I Need To Slap You?
There are a lot of statistics in the news about what’s down in the nation - housing sales, value of the dollar, consumer purchases. And I’d like to add one more leading indicator to that list: my ass. Time is marching on, and as part of that progression, my ass is marching down the backs of my legs. Not to mention the southern migration of my boobs, face and perhaps the most horrific, back flab. The problem is, I’m not happy with any of the possible solutions.
I did some thinking about this, and I’ve decided the options are thus:
1. Slice it all off and sew it higher up. A lot of women opt for this approach—more and more it appears, but it’s just not for me. I see too many Frankenstein-y looking women who just don’t look quite right. Maybe they do the first time around, but here’s the thing. You can’t do it just once. It’s not permanent. GRAVITY is permanent, but face/butt/boob lifts, no matter how fabulous they are, aren’t. And each time you pull up again, it looks scarier and scarier.
2. Lose every ounce of body fat. There was a woman I used to see in my yoga class. In clothes, she looked striking – tall, lanky, with very short-cropped white hair. But in her yoga togs you could see she was a stick insect. Nothing sagged, because there WAS nothing – no butt, no boobs, no curve. She was shaped like a tall skinny boy. And because she always had a deep tan, she was a tall skinny boy raisin. So I suppose I could go on a concentration-camp diet, but a. it doesn’t sound like much fun, and b. I kind of like having a butt to sit on.
3. Become a little more upholstered. Curvier women seem to sag less. Faces look younger. Edges are softer. Notice how beautifully Sophia Loren has aged? She’s still shaped like Sophia Loren. So I guess I could gain weight. But frankly, that is not an attractive option to me at all. I’ve put on 2-3 pounds since I started working full-time in an office and I’m already hating it. Stuff hangs over the top of my jeans when I sit – or as I mentioned before, I can feel FOLDS in my back above my waist! Gaaaaaah. I don’t want more of that. I want less.
