One Flew Over The Cuckoo's Nest

Just when I thought it couldn’t get any crazier…

As the days go by I’ve started coming apart at the seams, and tonight was the icing on the cake. Get out the measuring tape because I need to be fitted for a straightjacket.

First let’s do a head count. Two kids, ages 5 years and 6 months. Three dogs. One cat. One woman and no man.

Dog number 3 you say. That’s right. Kuku flew the coop in need of some mental healing and I volunteered to take the dog. Since she was my dog from years long gone, it was the least I could do.

After a long day of work and going from one duty to the next, we ended the day at the science fair – me and daughters one and two. Following the science fair, we swung by Wendy’s and picked up dinner.

As I struggled to get the baby out of the car with the food in one hand and the baby in the other, a coke spilled on the backseat of my car. But the fun didn’t stop there. Daughter made her way inside the house but not before breaking the kiddie meal bag and littering her order of fries all over the floor. The three dogs darted toward the goldrush of goodies.

And the beat went on. Sitting at the counter she then proceeded to spill a Sprite all over the floor. But that wasn’t enough. Once her food was drowning in soda, I replaced it with a lunchable, which she then dropped all over the couch and the living room floor.

It was about this point that the baby began her nightly screamfest. Unable to cope anymore I called the Fedster who was tucked safely in his nest listing stuff on eBay. It had been a hard day since he’d spent part of it working and part of it working on his go cart.

Was there no justice in this world?

“Get over here now and help me take care of these kids,” I demanded, now completely unraveled and at the end of my rope. Everybody has their breaking point and I was well past mine. I’m sure I could have been more polite, but I didn’t have the energy or the patience for niceties.

Once he got to the house, he couldn’t help but list the reasons why I was struggling so much to do this on my own. The baby still had reflux, he explained. NO SHE DOES NOT. How do you know, he asked. Because she was at the doctors yesterday, dumbass. You don’t have any patience, he reasoned. You’re right. After working all day and going from one thing to the next with no time for myself, my patience has worn a bit thin. But then J-Fed figured it out. I could almost see a lightbulb over dimbulb's head?

“You know what the problem is. It’s the extra dog. That’s why you’re having such a hard time,” he told me.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? The extra dog? That’s why I’m having such a hard time? Oh no, J-Fed. It had nothing to do with the extra dog and everything to do with the man who wasn’t there. Do the math jerk. Two kids under the age of six, one being an infant. Three dogs. One cat. AND NO HUSBAND.

For a moment I had to look around and see if I was being filmed. Was this really my life? I’m not saying that it’s never been done before. Plenty of women are faced with the same situation. And to be honest, I don’t know how the hell they do it on their own. There's a good chance I'm completely inept.

Like I was telling a dear friend of mine, it’s like being on a bowling team with someone who had no arms, no legs and as she pointed out, no brain.

According to J-Fed, women everywhere do all this by themselves. And that I guess makes it all ok. I mean, his mother did it. So why can’t I? Perhaps J-Fed is right. Maybe he can give me some lessons and show me the right way to do it all. I welcome his input.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized he was right. It was a dog that made it all so difficult, and by dog, I mean J-Fed.

Addendum: I guess somebody wanted to prove a point to me. Although I tried to turn in early to catch up on some sleep, it was an exercise in futility. That’s when I decided some Smores might help me sleep. I prepared myself of a batch of graham crackers, marshmallows and chocolate chips and stuck them in the microwave. Snap, crackle, pop went the oven and an explosion sounded. I have no idea what happened. All I know is the microwave sparked and buzzed and ignited.

The perfect ending to a perfect day.