Our First Anniversary

In a few days we will have our first wedding anniversary, and I hate him more than ever. Lately I have been trying to figure out how I went from loving a person more than anything for six years to hating him more than anything in just one year. I got it narrowed down to 4 stages. 

Stage 1- Confusion. He does plenty that I am angry about. Treats me badly, calls me names, tells me to shut up, won’t help around the house, turns the music/TV up to top volume when I am trying to take a test, and the list goes on...

When this first started (about one month after our wedding) I was confused. Did he just call me the ‘C’ word? Who was this person? This was not the guy I married. This was not the guy I had known for the last six years. That guy would never talk to me like that. Why is he treating me this way? 

Stage 2- The Realization. After it kept happening the confusion and disbelief wore off and reality set in. Okay so maybe this isn’t who he used to be, but this is who he is now. I knew that. This wasn’t how my marriage is suppose to be, but that’s how it is. There’s no denying it. I knew that too. So what did I do? I fought back. I knew I deserved better, and so I demanded it. 

Stage 3- Angry.  We spend months yelling back and forth. Fighting every single day. You know where that got me? Nowhere. I still got no respect, no help, nothing. What I did get was angry. Not just when we were arguing, but all the time. I went to work angry. I still smiled at all of the customers, but it was forced. I went to school angry. I took all my tests, and it was so hard to focus because I was so full of rage.

Even just cleaning the house I was angry, doing dishes cursing him under my breath, doing laundry and making sure none of his clothes got washed. I realized all this was only hurting me. Being angry all the time I was miserable. I didn’t want that. However, I still believed we had a chance. After all, if you didn’t care why would you bother getting mad? 

Stage 4- Giving Up. So, for my New Year’s resolution I decided to give up, to back down, and to stop fighting. Not for him, but for me. I didn’t want to be miserable anymore. Now when he yells I don’t yell back. When he complains, I ignore him. When he breaks stuff, I walk away. When he won’t help me with anything, I just take a deep breath and do it myself. I am well aware that this is not healthy for me either. I know it’s not good to keep all emotions bottled up, but at least I am not all red in the face from screaming. 

I am still angry. I am angry that on the 23rd of this month we will be married one year. I am angry that rather than being excited about celebrating our first year of marriage I am wishing it never happened. I am angry that everyday for six years I was so happy he was in my life, but for the last year I wish I had never met him. I am getting better though. I get less and less angry everyday. After all, if you don’t care anymore what’s there to be angry about?