Lately, I’ve been studying the dynamics of J-Fed and I’s relationship, and it’s almost comical. No really. It’s like something out of the comics, the Peanuts comics to be specific. I call it the Lucy-Charlie Brown syndrome.
Our relationship is as cyclical as it is sick. We fight over the same things, and each fight has the same itinerary. Pick at each other over something stupid. Throw up an issue from the past. Raise voices until it becomes a screaming match rivaling an Ultimate Fighting Championship match. Storm out of the house. Don’t speak for a day or two. Eventually make up for a week, only to do the whole thing all over again. You can predict how it’s going to go down time and time again.
As I’ve said before, the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Needless to say, I’m not sure the Fedster has ever given this notion much thought. But he should have.
You see if he pondered long and hard, he’d quickly realize that he is Charlie Brown and I am Lucy. I hold the football, and every single time blockhead goes to kick it, I yank the ball away, he misses and lands flat on his lazy ass. You see J-Fed honestly believes he’s going to kick that ball, and it’s going to fly with no consequence. This is where it goes so wrong for him.
To put this analogy into better perspective, I’m going to further explain why Charlie Brown loses every time.
Example #1
J-Fed: I’m going to buy a new go cart. It’s so cool. I don’t care that I have three. What’s one more?
Kiki: You’re right. Buy it J-Fed.
Now he’s got his game plan in action. He purchases the go cart and as he goes to seal the deal, I pull the ball right out from underneath him.
Kiki: You’re an irresponsible twit. I can’t believe how much money you spend on your hobby. We could have a second home in Telluride by now. But what do we have to show for it? Three rusty go carts I likely couldn’t even give away if you died.
Example #2
Kiki: We have to meet with the bookkeeper to do our taxes. Can you be there at 10 a.m.?
J-Fed: Do I really have to be there? Is it necessary?
Kiki: No, J-Fed. I’ll do it myself. I know you want to go cart racing. Just forget the meeting. .
Off he goes… He’s not five miles down the road before I pull the ball out from under him again by paying him a phone call.
Kiki: J-Fed, do you realize how irresponsible you are? I can’t believe you feel go carting should take precedence over our taxes. You’re a child. Grow the hell up.
Example #3
J-Fed: I’m tired from working all day. Is it ok if I don’t pick daughter up tonight?
Kiki: Of course, J-Fed. Go home and get some sleep. Someone should be getting some Zzzs and it might as well be you.
An hour later, as J-Fed is all cozy on his couch, I pull the ball out from beneath him.
Kiki: Hope you’re enjoying sitting on your lazy ass J-Fed. The dog just ate the pot roast I left on the counter. The baby has diarrhea, and Zip has a big hairball caught in his throat. Have a good night you bastard. Nice to see you helping me out.
And so it goes. Blockhead may try and kick that ball, but so long as I’m holding it, it’s never going anywhere. He’ll never win. He’s constantly left wondering, with all his well-thought calculations and planning, how he misses the friggin ball every single time. Why is it that he can’t do anything right?
Lucy and Charlie Brown had this futile exchange for years, and I can’t recall Charlie ever getting to kick the ball one time. Now I know where Lucy was coming from. If Charlie Brown wasn’t smart enough to figure out the RIGHT way to kick the damn ball, he deserved to feel stupid and be ridiculed. Of course, Lucy could have sat the blockhead down and explained to him his best course of action. Charlie most likely would have listened. He would have successfully kicked the ball and they could have both moved on with their lives.
In my defense, I’ve sat down with Chuck. I’ve explained to him where he goes wrong time and time again. Yet, blockhead approaches the ball in the same manner every time, regardless of what I say.
That is why, like Charlie Brown, J-Fed deserves to land on his sorry ass every time. Maybe one day he’ll wish he listened to Kiki. Or maybe he’ll spend the remainder of his years wondering why he never made it all of the way.
But I doubt it. My gut tells me that some sally will surely come along and let him kick the ball as much as he wants regardless of the consequences. Then she and blockhead can live together unhappily ever after.