Sleepless Nights

Four days and counting since I’ve had more than two hours of sleep.  Since admitting everything is my fault, as usual, things at home have been fine, but my conscience has been keeping me up at night.  I think it’s tired of all the BS I’ve been dishing out just for the sake of peace at home.

When I lay down to sleep, my brain will not shut up.  I feel completely numb and my mind is constantly racing through every possible scenario to get myself out of this marriage.  Just thinking about having to start all over yet again is exhausting.  Friends at work and women at the gym are commenting to me that I look like a walking zombie. Charming huh?

Mr. Hyde has taken notice and keeps asking what he can do to help but I’m not sure there is anything he can do…I feel too far gone.  Cute little love notes, pats on the but and extra hugs won’t soothe my torn up spirit.  

I’m continuing marital counseling…alone.  I need to work on getting my head straight so I can go forward.  Mr. Hyde asked what I needed and I told him I need someone who loves and supports me 100% whether they agree with me or not.  I want someone to have faith in me, and my choices and believe I am doing the best I can.  I want someone who trusts my intentions are good and won’t assume my every word or action is somehow meant to hurt or be nasty to him.  I’m my own person and I don’t like being compared with the past or held up to someone else’s unrealistic standards.  

Mr. Hyde has painted me as some sort of evil shrew who sends nasty emails, yells at him and constantly beats him down…guess he doesn’t realize he’s actually talking about himself.  I’m the one who’s worn down and hollow, the evidence is in the bags under my eyes.