Kiki is off to a better place and it couldn’t have come at a more appropriate time. Things between the Fedster and I have escalated over the last couple of days. Our fights always tend to be worse during the summer. Maybe we’re crazy with the heat, or maybe it’s because work tends to get slow for him during the off-season, making him grumpier than normal. Regardless I’m a thousand miles away from him now, tucked comfortably in a mountain getaway while he’s all by his lonesome for the next month.
As for me, it was either the mountains or some sort of state facility. And to be frank, I don’t look good in mental ward white. So spending time in a straitjacket was absolutely out of the question.
This is the first time we’ve been away from each other for an extended period of time. Even since he moved out in February I’ve pretty much seen him every single day. While that was fine when we were unhappily married, it isn’t so fine since our amicable split has become not so amicable. Every interaction had become downright painful. So I felt it would be best to put some distance between us… to the tune of three states.
Because I’m taking both of our children, I still have to have minimal contact with him, namely out of respect that he’s honoring my wishes to spend a month in the mountains, even if it means he won’t get to see the kids.
Before we departed late Saturday, J-Fed and I spent our last night apart… together. You see, it was daughter’s dance recital and we wanted to make it as special for her as possible. She’s been feeling downtrodden lately due to the fact that she’s now living in the shadow of an overbearing 8-month-old. There’s nothing like having people walk up to your baby sister and coo and caaa while you stand there ignored. As much as I try to compensate for what she’s going through, I’ve come up short. Needless to say, we gathered at the house pre-recital.
I didn’t know what to expect from J-Fed since he’s been such curmudgeonly critter lately, as prickly as they come. Lucky for me, the Oracle arrived just in time. The Oracle is my mother-in-law, and I must say she’s provided me with a great deal of solace in my time of need. As a single mother of three young children, she went through all of the things I’m currently going through. Needless to say, she can emphasize and damn does she do it well. I half expected her to walk through the door wearing a Team Kiki t-shirt. The best part of it all was that J-Fed had no idea that she was playing for the other side now.
Everything was quite peaceful at the house, with the exception of J-Fed railing me about the fly situation. They’re here. They’re there. They’re everywhere. Even the neighbors have complained about the wave of fly activity that’s come with the summer heat. In fact, there are times when I look around the house to see if someone has dumped a corpse in my house. That’s how many flies there are. Well, in the world according to J-Fed, these flies are a byproduct of the fact that I have an apple on my counter. That’s right. It isn’t the heat. It isn’t the mugginess. It isn’t the fact that he stands there for five minutes with the door wide open to make sure we’re not talking about him.
We have flies because I have an apple on the counter. WHATEVER. Last time I checked Fedster, you weren’t a biology major. While you might be able to kill a fly like it’s your job, that doesn’t mean you work for Orkin and it doesn’t mean you are the end-all, be-all of fly activity. Now, shut the friggin door and stop making the problem 10 times worse.
Anyway, it wasn’t until we arrived at the dance recital that the big fly started problems. While J-Fed, the Oracle and I stood outside waiting for the recital to begin, J-Fed and I began to bicker about something stupid. That’s when the Oracle had seen enough of me being beat down like a dog.
“At least when your father divorced me, he left me alone. You torment her,” she sighed. Go Oracle. Go Oracle. There’s nothing like having your former mother-in-law get your back right in front of her son.
“Mother, stay out of my marriage,” he seethed.
“Son, you don’t have a marriage,” she reminded him.
“Well, stay out of my divorce,” he pouted.
Meanwhile, I stood there and grinned as I pictured my mother-in-law socking him with a verbal one-two punch. It didn’t get much better than this.
As I drove away from hell on earth, I felt a weight come off my chest with each mile that I got further away. My goal for the next month – see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil. And we all know by now, that J-Fed, well he’s evil.