Starting Over

It was almost a year ago today that I was in complete shambles. I still remember going to look at apartments with J-Fed. As he signed the lease on a cozy two bedroom, my eyes were red and my heart was blue. I couldn't swallow and I was barely breathing. The ink was dry and the marriage was apparently done.

I figured that he'd back out at the last minute, that he'd never really go throughwith it. We had promised til death do us part, and it had only been five years. For the love of God, we had two children two small children, one of whom was just four months old. How could it be over when it had never truly begun?

I'll never forget how I felt as he packed up his things. The emptiness was overwhelming. I tried to regain my composure, but I'd just curl up in a ball and well... bawl. It wasn't supposed to be like this. I thought we'd have the fairy tale. Where the hell had happily ever after gone?

As he packed his things and I sat there and cried, J-Fed would embrace me and kiss me
on my forehead. He'd whisper that I was going to be alright. He would remind me that
this was for the best, that if we didn't go our separate ways we'd eat each other alive.

Despite the fact that he was right, it did nothing to ease the pain. I was heartbroken and yet still in some other reality. As I helped J-Fed pick out the furniture for his new apartment, I tried to figure out where we'd put all of this stuff when he moved back in. You see, even if we didn't have much in our marriage, I still believed we'd have forever. I thought he'd see the err in his ways. I thought he'd miss the kids. I thought he'd miss me. If I couldn't imagine living without him, surely he had to feel the same way. 

I gave it a month until he'd come to his senses. But one month turned into two months
turned into three months. And while J-Fed seemed to easily move on with his life, I
struggled. The house was empty. The bed was empty. My heart was empty. I'd lay awake
at night wondering how things had gone so wrong. I always thought that I'd be the one
to walk away. I never expected him to be the stronger of the two of us.