Swimming With Sharks

The eagle has landed. Yes, J-Fed defied all the odds and actually made it up here. The shock and awe I experienced when I saw him standing front of the airport is comparable to nothing I’ve felt since I set my parent’s car on fire after burning the Fedster’s phone bill.

We didn’t shake hands. We didn’t hug. Instead we exchanged polite nods and were casually courteous to each other. The way the children reacted, you would have thought Santa had just parked his sleigh in front of our car. Yeah his belly may have shook like a bowl full of jelly, but he most certainly wasn’t Kris Kringle.

Our 5-year-old had to pick her jaw up off the floor and repeatedly squealed with delight upon seeing Daddy. Even our 8-month-old gave a huge toothless grin at the sight of her father. They were tickled to death. As for me, I did my best not to drive off before he had a chance to get his other foot in the car.

Instead, I stealthily put on the seat warmer. Seeing that it was about 85 degrees out and our last verbal exchange hadn’t gone so well, I felt that putting J-Fed on the hot seat was quite apropos. It would be awhile before he realized that he was feeling all hot and bothered not because of me, but because of the seat warmer. It was a passive aggressive way for me to get my digs in.

Our first stop was the Georgia Aquarium, the world’s largest aquarium. J-Fed felt right at home among all of the animals. Gee, I can’t understand why. So I gave it some thought as we made weaved our way through the aquarium.

As we went from display to display, I couldn’t help but notice the many parallels between J-Fed and the sea creatures. There were the ferocious piranhas which fiercely stalked their prey and attacked with reckless abandonment, ripping to shreds. Piranha = J-Fed; Kiki = Prey. I couldn’t help but closely eye J-Fed’s big mouth for similarities. Then there was the hammerhead shark which moves straight ahead with the intensity of a speeding truck, mowing down anything that gets in its way. Check! Half the time I dealt with J-Fed, I walked away feeling like I’d been hit by a mack truck. And who could forget the loggerhead sea turtle with its enormous head? J-Fed too had a big head to go along with his big fat EGO.

Of course, there was the electrical eel which uses shocks that can exceed 500 volts to stun its prey, much the way J-Fed uses hurtful words to sting me. REPEATEDLY.

Sadly, there were no slugs or leeches. If there had been, they would have been in good company with the J-Fed in town. All in all, J-Fed behaved himself quite well. He picked up the tab for lunch. He shared his vast knowledge of marine life with 5-year-old. He showed baby all of the fish while carrying her around. In fact, to the average observer we appeared to be the perfect all-American family, smiling and enjoying our day. There was no arguing or no fighting.

It took me a moment, but I realized why we seemed so normal. We were like the sea dragon, which camouflages itself among the seaweed and sea grass beds, and no other species notice that it’s out of place.

It just goes to show there’s something fishy about all of us.