Take it in the ear

Communication is sooo important in a relationship. Recently I yammered on about asking for what you want. But what you SAY is only half of the equation.

The other half is how you LISTEN.

One of the (many) things I appreciate about my honey is he’s a very “active listener.” I know when I’m going on one of my fairly routine rags about whatever, he is actively listening, and when I finally pause expectantly, he will come up with some sage, Yoda-like words of wisdom. It kind of irritates me that he so easily finds a way to sum up my ranting, or quietly shut me down appropriately. Like the time I was blah-blah-blah-ing about something I’d heard my ex-husband had done, and he stopped me and said, “I. Don’t. Care.”  I got the message.

But there are other ways to listen usefully. For example, if your husband says to you, “I really don’t want you going out with her on Saturday” what is he really saying? He doesn’t want you to go out with HER, or he doesn’t want you to make any plans on your own, or he doesn’t want you to go out on Saturday without HIM ? They are all very different meanings. Is he a control freak? Insecure? Or just lonely?

The only way you’re going to find out the answer is to listen intently, and then ask a follow-up question. And the difference for you is reacting vs. simply responding.

Too often, we simply react.

He says something which instantly irritates you – because you assume it implies something else, based on your past experience. You figure there MUST be a hidden meaning, because you’ve both over time devised some sort of communication short-hand which allows you to push each other’s buttons very efficiently.

It’s like when someone pinches you. The first thing that comes to mind is OUCH.

So he says something that pushes the ouch button, you dutifully say “ouch” and you have another bust-up, or the corrugated doors come crashing down and all communication is stopped.

You have reacted, not responded. Examples of response are:

What do you mean exactly?
So, what I think you said is…
What is it you want?
How can we solve this? ( Ok, I know when you’re pissed you’re probably not in the mood for that one, but you get my drift).


But the point is, if you can for one second STOP yourself from simply reacting, and move into responding, you will have much more fruitful communication. Some of the possible outcomes:

You will confirm he is a complete asshole.
You will find out he really does care about you, but has a lame way of showing it.
You may have unintentionally done something that hurts him.
You completely misinterpreted what he was saying.
You’re not the only one who wants a divorce.

We have become accustomed to drama in relationships. We just kinda expect that conversations should be passionate and angst-ridden. Unlike analysis with our girlfriends, discussions with significant others are laden with deeper meaning and thick coats of hurt. They don’t have to be.  We just go into a different mode. It’s a habit.

If you can teach yourself to break that habit, to listen in a different analytical mode, you will be able to address the real underlying issues much more efficiently. You will also diminish the risk of nuclear explosions and floods of tears. Plus reduce global warming and world hunger (no not really).

But you WILL give yourself a more powerful position for negotiation and discussion. If you’re not the one getting angry and upset, it’s probably not your fault that nothing can be resolved. If you can both remain cool and collected, you have the possibility of discovering greater intimacy together, resolving your problems more quickly or simply understanding why it’s right to call it quits.

Listening well requires persistence. When you respond with questions, you must continue to ask them until you get a coherent answer. You can’t let each other off the hook, or allow him to spiral off into frustration. You have to be able to step outside yourself for a few moments, and act almost like a neutral therapist. And I’ll tell you what. If you can remain calm and collected while he is spinning of the rails, it will drive him nucking futs. But that’s just a side benefit.

The real benefit for you is getting your needs addressed sooner rather than later. Remember, just because there’s two of you doesn’t mean you shouldn’t be looking out for Number 1.