With J-Fed's new move, we're neighbors again. Yep, just a hop, skip and jump away from each other. The last time that we lived in such a close vicinity, he ended up shagging the neighbor, who I now lovingly refer to as T.O.W (the other woman). I'm not worried about him banging my neighbor this time around for two reasons. One -- we're no longer married so it really doesn’t matter. Two -- my neighbor is my mother and well that's just too gross to even contemplate.
I guess living so close to me again has made J-Fed a bit sentimental. In reality he's not really thisclose to me. It takes about four minutes to travel by car from the house I share with Mr. Ex to J-Fed's new abode. Being so close, I thought J-Fed would step it up and help a little more with chauffeuring the kids back and forth for visitation. But not so much. I've now come to accept the fact that the bulk of the movement J-Fed is capable of is traveling from his couch to his refrigerator. And that's being generous. Just the other day, his ass was planted so firmly into his bed, he had our 7-year-old daughter looking for his wallet.
Ironically, the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. In true Kiki fashion, daughter asked J-Fed why he couldn't get up and get it himself.
Oh darling, I wanted to tell her, I spent almost 10 years asking that very same question.
Anyways, I was a bit taken aback yesterday when J-Fed rung me to discuss the arrangements with the kids for the day. Apparently, he had some meetings for work and he would be unable to take them, which was fine. However, the Fedster caught me off guard when he informed me, "I had myself a good cry this morning."
I wanted to point out that I, myself, had a good crap this morning. I'm sure you can guess which one came more from the heart.
"Oh, really. Why?" I asked curiously.
Had he and T.O.W. had a falling out? Had they shut down the video poker machine at his favorite gas station? What could have possibly melted the Prince of Darkness's cold empty heart?
"I was thinking of all of the things I did to you when we were married. I'm sorry," he said, doing his best impression of someone who actually had a conscious.
I paused for a moment. Was he apologizing for all 10 years, starting with when he dumped me the first time on my birthday after just dating seven months? You see, I had always wondered about that one in particular. There were 364 other days in the year. So I was never really certain why he had selected that special day. Was that for effect? If it was, he had gotten his point across. But heck, now that he said he was sorry, it was all better now. Right?
Um, wrong. It wasn't okay. There were so many things that weren't okay. How about all of those times the Fedster called me lazy? Or when he insinuated that I was a crappy wife who didn't do shit but raise the children, pay the bills, keep up the house, do the shopping, blah, blah, blah? What about pissing in our brand new armoire after a long night of drinking and then blaming it on the dogs? Did his apology include blowing shittons of money on go carts and calling me controlling when I got pissed off about it? I was kind of curious as to what exactly his apology encompassed. And I thought about asking...
But I refrained. What did J-Fed want from me? Forgiveness? Absolution? Well, fear not my little friend. You have it all. You see when J-Fed signed on the dotted line and traded me in for the other woman, he got it all and then some. Forget apologizing J-Fed. I should be the one thanking you. And I'd like to extend my gratitude to T.O.W. as well.
The two of you, together, have made me the happiest person on Earth. There's not a day goes by that your union doesn't leave me simply giddy. I can only hope that the two of you can share the same kind of happiness that we shared.