These days I feel like I don’t know J-Fed anymore. While to some people it may be a moot point, to me it’s not. After almost 10 years together, it’s not always easy to just walk away from a relationship and not look back with some sort of emotion, whether it be anger, sadness, confusion, regret or any other feeling.
Needless to say, I have a lot of questions. The main one being “how can he just walk away without looking back?” No matter how many times I play it over in my head, I keep coming back to the same conclusion. To fall out of love with me, he surely had to have fallen in love with someone else. I’ve made this point to him countless times, yet all he does is deny, deny, deny. He swears up and down that another person was not a factor. Somehow, I refuse to believe him, even if he is speaking truth. I guess it’s easier to believe the demise of the marriage was something bigger than me.
I guess what recently drove this home was a phone call I placed to the cell phone company for the Fedster. There was a problem with his monthly bill and because the account was previously in my name, I had to be the one to rectify the problem. Note to self… when it comes to J-Fed even if the account ISN’T in my name, I’m still the one fixing the issue at hand.
Much to my dismay, the representative pointed out that the overcharge was a result of 935 text messages made during the month of April.
“Surely that’s wrong,” I told her with confidence.
“Why is that?” she responded.
“Because J-Fed barely knows how to read, yet alone type,” I assured her. Ok, so maybe he had read Atlas Shrugged and a host of other epic-length books, but I can’t say that I actually imaged he could write that much… from his phone nonetheless. However, the rep promised me the proof was in the pudding. I wanted evidence and she informed me that most of the text messages were to the same number. Needless to say, it wasn’t MINE.
I finished the call with her, simply going through the motions. Half the time I wasn’t even listening. Instead I broke out my handy dandy calculator and did the math. Thirty days in the month, 935 text messages. That was at least 30 text messages a day, and that didn’t even count phone calls. It smacked of love, love, love. Once again, my black heart was broken by the fact that J-Fed had moved on and there was no looking back.
Kiki who? That’s right. Forget being another notch. Homeboy had a whole new belt. I had been traded in for another model, figuratively speaking. Although I had no ground to stand on since we were no longer together, the truth still hurt and so did the fact that J-Fed wasn’t being forthright about the whole thing.
In a way he was still trying to convince me that he was on a solo mission. It was as if he wanted me to feel like we were in the same boat. But we weren’t. He was smooth sailing on a pleasure yacht and I was paddling for life in a 6-foot canoe that was taking on water faster than you can say “J-Fed’s got a brand new hag.”
Maybe it wouldn’t have bothered me so much if he hadn’t told me he loved me as late as last week. Of course, there’s a good possibility I took his words in the wrong way. When he said “I love you,” he could have meant that he loved my cooking. Or there’s the off chance that he meant “I love your cooking.” Or maybe I had misheard him. Maybe he had said “I love new.” After all, he did have a fancy for new things.
Then again maybe he did mean “I love you,” only maybe he meant that he loved me as a friend. After all, it’s quite possible to love someone but not be in love with them. Yada, yada, cough, cough, bullsh*t.
Anyway, it’s obvious by the 935 text messages that J-Fed’s obviously investing some serious energy into someone else. And more power to him. I wish him the best. Secretly though, I hope whoever she is she’ll rip out his heart and stomp on it the way he’s stomped on mine.
Or maybe, just maybe, they’ll be the ones to live unhappily ever after. Only time will tell…