The Big One

In three days, I hit the big one…I turn 40.  I’m not freaked out about the number…I’ve earned every year.  I have a great career, a place of my own, great relationships with my kids, family and friends so I’m thankful. 

I have no game plan and that has me more freaked out than turning 40.  Last year, training for the two marathons kept me focused.  My dance class recently ended and I just ended a non-relationship…although I still have to tell the guy.  I’m writing another book, but its months from completion and lately I’m feeling uninspired.

I like having goals and a direction, but what do you do when you have what you want?  My life is where I want it to be.  Is it right to complain the only part missing is a companion?  I feel like I’m being greedy or ungrateful for wanting to find someone to share the fun stuff with.  I am and should be enough for myself and my kids.  Maybe that soul mate crap doesn’t happen after 40 and I blew my chance.

I’ve learned a lot about myself in the last few years since leaving Mr. Hyde.  I wouldn’t change it and I don’t regret the difficult choices I made.  I’m comfortable with who I am and my life.  My worry is I’ve become so self-sufficient I haven’t left room for a partner.  I don’t put up with BS.  When a guy starts playing games, I’m done.  If he gets too clingy, I’m done.  If he mentions marriage, moving or any significant changes, I’m done.

A guy friend of mine asked me the other day why I cut things off at the two month mark.  I said by then I know whether it’s going to work long-term.  Game players are bored by then and serious guys are picking out china patterns.  He gave me a look, I dropped my guard and answered honestly…two months in, and I start to have feelings.  I look for an out so I don’t have to risk anything.  Game players are easy…ask ‘where is this going?’  And they disappear almost before the sentence is finished.  Serious guys are too intense so they are relegated to the friend zone.