The Crushing Blow

I thought for sure that this Christmas would be a disaster... and I was right. The fact that our wedding anniversary fell so close to the holiday spelled trouble. You see, as the weeks go by, I've been on a rampage. No matter what I try -- biofeedback, self-medicating, high-impact workouts, satanic rituals -- nothing has helped alleviate my anger. Every night before I go to bed, I pray that I'll wake up pain free. But alas, it's the same old shit, day in and day out.

Although my head tells me the divorce was a really good thing, my broken heart is singing a different tune. So needless to say, I want to inflict the same type of pain on J-Fed. Since I can't use a chainsaw or a pick axe to get the job done, I wield the small amount of power I do have. In most cases, it's my forked tongue.

Insults and accusation after insult and accusation. Maybe it goes in one of his ears and out the other, maybe it doesn't. I'll never know. But that doesn't stop me from trying. As my Christmas gift to him this year, I had granted him permission to come see the kids open up their presents. To him, it meant the world. To me, not having him there would have meant the world.

And in the same way, he snatched back those $5,000 earrings he gave me last year. I snatched back his rights to Christmas morning. I had been very polyienna-ish about the whole thing... UNTIL he requested to take daughter to a kid's birthday party with the other woman. It stung. You see, J-Fed "didn't believe in kid's birthday parties." Every time I would ask him to come, he would explain to me that daughter didn't NEED to go to every party. And him go? A pot of gold would sooner fall out of the sky and land on his fat head.

So needless to say he struck a nerve. Anything that involved him, the other woman and my kids hit a nerve. I'm not saying that it's right. It just is. I told him that Christmas morning was off. Done. Finished. Not seeing your kids open their presents is just one of the prices you pay when you walk out on your family.