The Dating Shame

Apparently, I’m not moving on fast enough. Or not moving on at all, according to one male friend. He’s been a part of my life for years, and he’s the first one to call a spade a spade. He doesn’t mince words and while it can be painful at times, I’ve learned to take our conversations in stride. This one was no different. Here is an excerpt from our recent IM correspondence in no order of importance.

Screen names have been changed to protect the innocent… and the guilty.

JoeSchmuck: So what’s new?

KikiFed: Not much.

JoeSchmuck: You dating?

KikiFed: No, I’m not even in town. Remember? I’m in the mountains. . J-Fed was just up here visiting the kids.

JoeSchmuck: Ah the torture continues. It’s not that you’re not ready. You just aren’t ready to move on.

KikiFed: No. I don’t have time. I have two kids and a job.

JoeSchmuck:: Oh that’s right. You’re the first woman who has two kids that’s gotten divorced. I forgot that when you get divorced and you have two kids it means you’re going to die alone. You still look good now. You better use it while you got it…

KikiFed: Thanks. I don’t really have any way to meet anybody. You have someone to fix me up with?

JoeSchmuck: Hmmmm. No.

KikiFed: Ok then.

JoeSchmuck: When is it going to be Day One? When are you going to move on?

KikiFed: I have moved on. I just don’t have the time to date.

Then we proceeded to delve into the fact that I haven’t gotten laid. I said to myself “Self, have I gotten laid? And self said to me “Not that I know of.” Upon realizing the gravity of the situation, Self then proceeded to subject me to 20 lashings with a big, wet noodle. Hey, somebody has to do the spanking – it might as well be Self.