The Loaded Question

“We need to talk.” Mr. Excitement said.

I didn’t take my eyes off the road. I didn’t want to look at him. I knew what this was about.

“What do you want to talk about?” Excitement said the phrase at the same time I did. He knew what I would say before the words even left my mouth. A smile tugged at the corner of my lips. I pressed it back down. He wasn’t going to make me smile. I was mad at him.

Excitement paused, waiting to see if I would give in, then he sighed. “I’m tired of fighting.”

“I am too.” I admitted.

“Then why are we doing this?”

That was a loaded question. It went back to not just our relationship but the relationships we’d had before we even met each other. We both came into this with so much baggage. My divorce was final only seven months ago. His marriage ended six years ago but the wounds were still fresh.

I thought of the times he called me by her name. Sometimes it was a slip, something I’d done to reminded him of her. Sometimes it was an insult, thrown out there intentionally to sting. I knew I’d said things just as hurtful, if not more so.

I’ve got a talent for throwing verbal barbs and my claws are always sharpest with those I love the most. It’s so easy for me to walk away from the people I really need. Maybe if I don’t get too close they can’t ever hurt me.

He’d been talking marriage before our last fight started. And why not? I’ve been wearing his engagement ring for six months now. Somehow the issue of the date had never come up. We’d talked about the location, about the dress, the tux, the flowers. We never talked about the date. Maybe I thought I could put it off indefinitely. Then he’d said “What bout July?” and we’d started having problems.