The same old song

My dear Kiki, after all these years J-Fed is an enigma to you because you are STILL playing by his rules. After all you’ve been through. After all you know about him. But yet, you start every day anew, let him deal the cards, and then complain about your crappy hand.

For this you need at least three slaps. 

Yes, he leads you on an emotional rollercoaster – one day up, one day down, one day in a complete loopy-loop corkscrew. But the thing is, you RIDE IT WITH HIM. You must stop riding along. It’s time to lift the bar, gather your personal belongings, and exit to the right.

Of course it’s not an instant fix – nothing emotional is – but you must work on catching yourself and stopping your own emotional hullabaloo so it’s not remarkable when he does these things. It just IS.

Let me put it another way. A blizzard in Miami would be absolutely shocking. Everyone in Miami would be hyperventilating over what to do. Roads would be closed. Nobody would go to a drive-through. Regularly scheduled programming would be cancelled. It would be a calamity.

But in Minneapolis, if you get a blizzard, you just go get a bigger shovel.

Of course it snows in Minneapolis. It’s Minneapolis.

And of course J-Fed is all over the place. That’s why you divorced him fergawdsakes. Why is this still a surprise?

Maybe it’s not a surprise, but it still gets waaaaay under your skin – but that’s only because you let it.

You may not realize it, but your entire life has a soundtrack.  There are little melodies that play all the time in certain situations, and when you hear the music, you start the dance.

You probably learned the original song and dance routine as a child. Most likely from your mom and dad, but now you’re letting J-Fed lead the band. In any case, it is now so ingrained that it’s automatic. You hear the song. You do the dance.

You both have had a lot of years to practice the routine. And you’ve gotten really good at it. Particularly J-Fed. He plays you like a violin.
 
He has a couple days when he’s lovey dovey still, can’t do without talking to you, buys you (surprisingly tasteful) gifts, wonderful with the kids. You fall for it. You ride along. You invite him over, lust after him even. He’s weaving a spell. Look how lovable I am. You buy into it.

And then the next day he does something completely heartless. Selfish. Smacks you down with two or three words. Devastating. Cuts you to the core. But you buy that as well! Just as whole-heartedly.

This has to stop. As long as you let him play you, you will never be able to move on or heal.

To survive in life, we must learn to be emotionally detached from certain things. I know you’re able to do it, or you wouldn’t be able to function. How else do we live in a world with car crashes and bombs and tsunamis? How else do nurses work in cancer wards? We learn to not internalize everything.

Of COURSE it’s more difficult with those close to us. With men we promised our lives to, and created children with. But if you still let him drag you around emotionally, you are still married to him, no matter what the decree says. Until you can reclaim your emotional independence, you will never be free.

You are giving him enormous power over your life, Kiki. You’ve got to pull the plug.

Ready to blow a fuse? Email me.