The Urge to Merge

Let me ask you something. If you ate a big bowl of pasta, and a day later found yourself gripping the porcelain bus with both hands and yawning in high-definition Technicolor as the pasta suddenly and violently reversed direction in your digestive tract, would you be in any great hurry to eat another bowl of the stuff? That’s what I thought.

So why is it that so many of you seem to feel the need to leap into another relationship while the wounds of the previous one are so clearly raw and festering? You’re just getting over the break-up. The ink is barely dry on the final decree.  He hasn’t moved every last bit of his stuff out of the house. Just the thought of your ex turns your stomach. And you think you’re ready to go another round in the ring?

Please tell me, what’s the rush?

Unless you can tell me hand on heart that you absolutely understand what went wrong in your previous relationship, and even more important, you understand your OWN role in that, you are NOT ready to move on.
 
No matter how lonely you think you are, how afraid of spending your latter years dried up and wrinkly on a musty sofa eating cat food (when you can remember where you put your teeth), it is no reason to catapult yourself into another union.

In the first place, who says being single is lonely? Where is it written that only people in relationships can know happiness? Being with someone will not make you happy, only happy-ER.  In life, you must be responsible for your own happiness. And I would venture to guess, for many newly-minted divorcees, you have no idea what that is. If you’re just crawling out of a bunch of years of emotional pain, lies and sacrifice, how can you possibly know what makes you happy? When did you have the time to really look within yourself and figure out what you really want out of life? Never, maybe?

Well now you have that time! Now you can make all the decisions for yourself. You don’t have to think how it will impact him, or would he approve, or tell you you’re wrong. It’s YOUR time. You get to be the “man” and make all the choices. You get to run your own show! Isn’t that fabulous? I think it is. Of course with freedom comes responsibility – now if something goes wrong, you don’t always have someone to blame – but if you want to rebuild your confidence and self-esteem, the absolute best way to do that is steer your own ship. NOT run after approval from some other schmuck.

And my second point is this. There is no guarantee any subsequent relationship will be without problems or issues. The thing is, you want them to be new ones, not the same old ones. And unless you completely understand what caused the old problems, how to recognize them, and how to solve them, you will be doomed to repeat them over and over again.

No matter how painful this is to realize, you both are to blame for the break-up of your marriage. After all, you both agreed to get hitched in the first place. However noble and honest your reasons were for staying with him and trying to make it work, I’m quite certain there were signs and symptoms you ignored, or let him have yet another try, or believed in your heart things could change.  All of those actions had a consequence, and you’re finally dealing with it now.

The last thing you need right now is yet another crappy, painful relationship. There is absolutely no rush for that. Crappy relationships will always be in plentiful supply. Take the time NOW to understand exactly what you want, and what you won’t do again.

Have an urgent question? Email me.