This is not my beautiful house.

As the separation became a divorce (more about that later) I finally realized how much sleepwalking I'd been doing the last 15 years.

And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful house!
And you may tell yourself
This is not my beautiful wife!

Right after my EX and I married I focused on having a family.  I was 36 and time was running out. So I spent five years in fertility doing things to my body I bet Dr. Josef Mengele never dreamed of.  That was followed by a few years of hard work where I was trying to make up for my husband's lack of success, ambition and breadwinning. I worked out of my home as much as possible so at least I could be close to my daughter.  That ended when my husband's last business went under. Then I had to take care of my dad who was dying of chronic obstructive pulmonary disease.

The last two years, I was up to my eyeballs in remodel hell.

Letting the days go by/let the water hold me down
Letting the days go by/water flowing underground
Into the blue again/after the moneys gone
Once in a lifetime/water flowing underground.


I did think it was odd when my EX suggested the remodel.  I thought it proved how engaged he was in our relationship. What I forgot was how manic he could be when he was starting a new business venture. When it became too difficult or apparent that it wasn't going to succeed, that's when he'd walk away. So ultimately, the remodel became too hard, too messy, too expensive.  And off he strolled.  (Don't let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.)

Two weeks ago, my home finally went on the market. It took a year and a half to finish. People have been coming to open houses and oohing and ahhing over it.  I must say, I did a damn good job. I picked good fixtures, beautiful tile and granite counter tops.  I was meticulous about staining the wood windows. I picked out the slate that went on the deck and created the look of the railing. I even birddogged the workmen.

A couple of weeks ago, a woman came up to me during one of the viewings and gushed so much about how artistic the house looked that I broke down and cried in front of her.  She said,"I can tell a lot of love went into this house." And it's true.  As I worked on it, I kept thinking, "I can't wait till it's done so we can all enjoy it."

It was my valentine to my family.

My daughter and I will have three more weeks to be here. I just accepted an offer.
Another family is in a hurry to move in and enjoy all my hard work.  I hope they love it as much as I do. We don't have a house to move to yet, although I did see two I really liked today.  I hope I get the one on the hillside with the fabulous view. I just wish I could shake that Talking Heads song that keeps playing over and over in my mind...

And you may ask yourself
What is that beautiful house?
And you may ask yourself
Where does that highway go?
And you may ask yourself
Am I right? ...am I wrong?
And you may tell yourself
My god!...what have I done?